Happy New year friends,,,,,,,,,,

This was 't suppose to happen but actually did. I was in mid way of searching myself and I m again distracted. The life is all about your feelings and I m in melancholy. Frankly speaking , I crave being happy now. I m totally a non thinker now, I m hedonistic and turning restless as its gonna end now.

Trust now i expect the most and life is serving me the least.

These days some ill feelings are also moving under my skin, as when i see myself without support of my mom and papa,i guess i wont like live at all. Now I have to start searching a leader in myself and start leading life.

Arey yaar sachi , i dont have much hope left...I want to throttle up my life. I m praying or rather pleading to almighty that this is the time send me the opportunity , i wont disappoint you.

High time for me,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,dont wana loose it at all.

Man... I think I m turning a little insane too and I m scared. I m trying abate myself as don't want to land up in any mess.

I guess this is the most dangerous way I ever lived. Up there in my brain I getting monstrously

out of control. I guess my hormones are contributing too much.

God saves me, and let me come out this whole phase without getting hurt.

God bless everybody

Don't know why we are living?

Hi, today my day started with a dullness in brain and body. I took my scooter and as all mango people I started my journey to the office, a place so called working place. on the way my brain was continously ticking. And i was scared as i got dream last night.

Allow me to add fewmore details: These days i m alone at my home and this loneliness is uncozy to me. I was watching one movie and it was about a guy who try to forget her ex's memories and tries to start a new life. It becomes disasterous every time he makes efforts as i can identify myself with him. I guess I made a mistake by watching whole movie and found very difficult to avoid all those feelings which make me crave her. It was an adrenalin pumping and soul stirring situation. I was crying and I was fighting and cursing my ownself for being so weak. The night was sleepless.

Morning was running towards after noon and I was still in cobweb of old memories.
I wanted to run away from this world, atleast from an area where people know me and they know about me and her. Come on, I m still anable to answer my ownself that why I m not the "one".
Man there is a rage in my eyes and I m desperate about killing my own self. There is no place for a looser. As a jungle rule , I should be killed by some stronger animal.

I have to run and that too farther ,If possible from this world.

I dont need any money , no fame, no life all i need is ................

Lost in Love!!

Greetings guerillas! there has been a lot of time that i have actually wrote anything. The air is grown warmer and moist. And i was localized back to the delhi region, an area of beautiful isolation. The crowd is full of beautiful lineage but population makes it gruesome.
As everybody know (read my old blogs) I was in chennai, coming back to north is little hoarsing. Here people are more of attitude, not of aptitude. Sun shines brighter and faces are covered with clothes, congestion is some what people like and waiting on red traffic lights actually brings down rich and poor at single level. An average bike rider stands just next to a BMW owner, thanks to traffic police, car's window glasses are transparent enough to have a beautiful view. So thats how a delhi guy starts his day. Conclusion is live at its best.
But this was what gives you a feeling of missing something. And i knew what i was missing, my Rajasthan and its air , sun and food. I wanted my senses to go back in childhood days and bring back all the energy back. So planned a leave and the moment i got it, I was on roll.
This was first time i was all alone to my motherland. I was craving that sun tanned innocent people and a place where I roam proudly in the streets because every lane have somebody who knows either my grand parents or parents. All those young face have turned wrinkled and get extremely surprised when a modern day guy comes and touches their feets.It is a place where people see you ,gives you blessings and feel happy to see you grown so much.
Its a place where people wants to talk to you and when you remind small small events happened, the smile turns into laugh and enviournment becomes nostalgic. The feeling of people showing warmth is amazing.

So went to get myself back. The plann was to be anywhere where hearts says stay. It can be a desert or a sterile, it can be a jungle or civic , it can be a abandoned moument or a lavish urban hotel. But to whom i m lying, everybody knows india is a world of extremes. And near every urban area there is a rural backwarded area attached. So there were fears that a guy weak , alone man on the roads of india, can be crooked or looted .. i mean if the lady luck will not favour me , i may even die. Perhaps India is n't that bad.

The first check point of my Loner goner was alwar. It was a place of sweetness. People are humble and happy. they treat as you are a family even if your just met once or twice. I had no planns where to stay there although i knew many houses there. It was excatly ten years, when I visited that place back.

But surprise surprise , no changes at all.

Expatiating My Soul

Greetings my friend, it’s highly exceptional that you are reading today. I found reading a way of emoting and imagining a new world. Recently I was reading an article where author have introduced so many facts about this world. The special thing about it was that they all came to this world from some bodies writing. They were not even a hypothesis for scientists to realize but author were proven better in foreseeing the world. The ideas of flying and swimming, creatures and aliens, etc all were first introduced by some author. Later their effects were found so strong that scientists were pushed to do researches. 

This wasn’t just for the sake of impress people but also found a great way of passing a heritage. Every culture is based on books. So actually writing and reading becomes world most essential activity.

I found reading very difficult task, as can’t keep the patience of sitting hours to finish the piles of paper. For me imagining something is the easiest, my hearing senses are very responsive to a good explanation. But suddenly you must have stumbled upon that how come I just started singing about reading today.

Actually It all came back to me after all these years, before this piece I was kind of more interested in expatiating my life moments. But when found this my new friend who’s a daughter of an English teacher, that too literature.  I felt back my two special books very next to my heart. I will admit here that Shakespeare work isn’t a story. One can identify the situation very vividly. His characters and portrayal, I was in love with them. Those Victorian women, especially Portia, lady full of richens. Her understanding and her intelligence were way beyond explanation. Of course I seek these qualities in my soul mate.

It ‘s right if I say I was head over heels whenever I read those love scene, choosing casket, handling suitors and becoming a lawyer to fight the case. It gives a complete definition to a strong woman’s character.

I will be lying if will say that Tempest wasn’t impressive. It was my twelfth standard when first time that book was in my hands and I saw a thin book with a ship on cover page. It didn’t glue me to the book. Even the protagonist wasn’t in a heroic, rather an underdog, who’s just managing his life. Al Though his magical creature brought a new kind of excitement as they were singing and plotting. But my real interest built when Miranda was introduced and how she felt pity on the prince. I always felt the Ferdinand is not a character but a way to a girl’s heart. Be pure in your intentions and plunge yourself in emotions, it makes you emanate so much goodness. These vibes of love and joy are powerful enough to attract anybodies heart.

I would admit though I never succeeded in my any of the loves. But for my sake and imagination, this is the right way. These thoughts are weird to some people and practices, but I’m hopeful.

This emotionalism sometimes gives me that joy, which I don’t get by achieving or doing. It is loony to others but serene to me. If I achieve something, I feel for the losses of others.

Sometimes books have started defining my mood, as I read as I m. They really give a heavy head and deep learning.  All these authors inspire me a lot. I wish to my genie that give me more experiences and emotions with all this a good vocabulary. So that I can write small, very near to life, love stories. I have hots for romance and especially humorous romance.  My fingers are crossed and hoping best from the future.

 And one dedication to be made to all those friends and foes, which made me feel. No matter it was fear or proud, love or hatred, fun or mocked. All that was amazing to meet as my thoughts and imaginations were exercised.  

Overzealous

Hi to all whoever is making efforts to read this stuff. Actually in my past postings, I have mentioned about my school life which was quite dear to me. I introduced to you many characters and situations. Today also I won’t disappoint you, something from my school days is been served on the platter. I’ m really sorry for those who just stumble upon my blog. The plot and background will be unclear. I won’t be giving any introduction. And those people who actually read my stuff earlier too, thank you very much. Though your comments are valuable, please spend them for goodness sake.

These days suddenly the wind has changed its direction, I m hoping good from the future. The days are mirthful and soul is jaunty. Of’ course physical distance matters but if hearts are connected then it increases your love and joy. If you find a person whose mirror to you for your deeds then enthusiasm go the acme. I don’t expect anything from anyone as you all know and again working on a theory of just do it (thanks to nike for the slogan). So I felt some warmness of somebody’s heart and again alive as a PHOENIX, rising from ashes.

Sorry for details lapse and I do agree that different people will have different feeling on that day. And as living in a democratic country I have right to publish my mind.

Let me take you to a scenario where son of a middle class Indian family got his farewell coming and hails from not so rich family. He asks for a suit in a casual way to his mother and she says you’re too young to have one. You will grow soon and spending 1500-1700 rupees for one event is not good idea. This is been said to him three months prior to the event. And as he understood the situation he didn’t pressed upon the fact and moved on.

The evening just before the farewell, he was at Mr.Cool’s house and they were thinking what to do. Next day they had a big day and one night was not enough to get the situation done. On the invitation itself it was very clear that boys should be in suits, party had rules. This wasn’t a good for them as girls can get their mother’s best saree, which can fit them very well. But if boys going to wear them (father’s suit) they will like carry tents for their adventure trip.

It was special day and day becomes extra special when you are in love with somebody. It was a drastic situation two growing men want to leave an impression on the final day of the school. They were just not able think. They both were too lean to even try. The confusion led to a discussion and discussion invited so many people to join.

Mr.Cool’s family was an enthusiastic Christian family who were more convened about their ward’s presentation, although they were also not in a situation to buy one for him. Suddenly one man’s entry the Mr.BDB ( BullDog Beard). He suggested why they don’t make a mark on the people there. And coincidently both chaps had the same goal, things went interesting.  After a huge talk, the crowd decided they should wear some Indian ethnic wear that day and carry it respectfully. Their innocent hearts were optimistic. Mr.BDB taught kids how put a dhoti(Indian ethnic wear) and designed a look for him. Mr.Cool was marked to wear a Maroon Pathani Suite with a black jacket.

The young eyes were shining, he carried the stuff to his home and as he was from western part of India, called rajasthan, his parents were amazed to see their kids connection to the homeland. They encouraged him whole night; they took the camera out and took some pictures. At that point of time the kid realized what actually his parents missed as these years. At a happy note that family went to the bed.

Next Day.

    He wasn’t an early bird, and felt missing his early worms. So got little messed up, still there were two hours to go and he decided to go back at the same place where everything started, Mr.Cool’s house. AS soon he reached his house carrying all the stuff on his Hero Puch, he found nobody is at house but himself Mr.Cool.  He was in the bathroom doing rarest of proceedings at that point of time.

As he entered the room, which was quite messed up already, found some packet laying as if its priority. He was too excited to believe that anything in the world is called surprise. The shower was over and a freshly shaved lad was in towel and asked how he is been. Even then nothing was revealed.

So he moved toward s the packet and opened it. There lies the magic; it was like pupil widening show. So there came a problem, now he is the only student without a suit in the farewell. But how come one friend can cheat another one. He said what you got brother; kid said nothing he was sticking to the idea of rajasthani dress. He explained how last night Mr.Cool’s family didn’t find it a good idea. Some prestige issues came and how they were lucky enough to get it in the morning itself. The shoulders got dropped.

Suddenly Mr.Cool presented a thought; he said will it be fine with you, if we can get a suit for you. Kid said that he would anything to get it done. He took to his aunt’s house and there his late uncle’s old suits were there. It was like a treasure trunk full of cloths. Amazing, all were too large then suggestion came why you don’t get one jacket on jean, American’s find it formal.  There was no time to think; idea accepted. They reached back home and got prepared and ultimately done.

It was almost nine thirty that all the friends were gathered. They had a small photo session and felt very enthusiastic about being together. All faces were as bright as sun and as shiny as diamond. They started their way to the grand finale.

By this time, everyone had started complementing each other and also misstating that how girls would look. Every young man had one idol to look forward. They were all capering and their hearts were twinkling.

 The school.

   

 

Love Story-Dappled Dapper

Monday Morning

Good Morning everybody, perhaps you are reading it late in the night, say to yourself a good morning. The Sun is red and sky is dark purple, clock is showing 5:55 am. There is a room is in the vision with blurry characteristics, the window in the wall is open and he can touch the wall by his feet. The window is welcoming sweet cool air into room. Indian sub continent has an extreme summers, nights are impossible to be tolerated. With the itching, blurry eyes he stood up and searched his eye glasses. First thing in morning is to piss off and unload the pressure. While pissing he suddenly remember today is Monday, feelings for Monday wasn’t good. For any common man who works in any office, after a careless Sunday, Monday is a horrible dream.  It worked better than any coffee for him. All laziness gone and he started to recollect, what was left behind on Saturday that he need to finish. Poor chap, if boss found any tasks pending for this week, it can be a disaster.

He poured water inside his kettle and put it on to boil the water. After five minutes the kettle made a noise, water was ready. He poured water inside his cup with milk powder, later added some coffee and sugar.  Coffee ready!  After sipping two times, he shakes his head, and found himself into the mirror.

He is Ferdinand Paul, an educated electronics engineer turned into a working software developer. He is an Indian by both the parents but, still keeps an American way of living life. His looks are attractive, especially his hair styles. He always had then more trendy hairstyles that even his parents were horrified to see them.  He not so tall, but obviously he is mad about basket ball, Americas favorite game. His forte includes a different way of thinking which sometimes cause him troubles.

Good thing about India that diversity is so high that any kind of human can live the country. And so is our Fred. His are always different, but still he keep up fighting and dreams about reaching to the stars.

This description is a small one, more important is the story so let us move on.

Monday was bad day of all the days and especially for man like Fred. After his morning routines, he took his mundane exercise of walking towards the office. The way was from a small society to a big by pass road of a metropolitan. His office wasn’t a far distance, but taking this way daily has taken out the beauty of the scenes. He knew daily a group of young lads of locality, who don’t think they should be doing some works, will be ganging up. They make all sorts of noises when he passes by but it doesn’t effects him at all. Then on grand house comes in the right hand side, which building from ages and still going on.  The particular thing about that house is the workers changes in every few months.   Now he reaches the big bypass, fully crowded with vehicles of all sizes. Dust and smoke, are key ingredient in the air to breathe. He keeps on walking; saving himself from people coming with huge intensity as fire has broke out somewhere near.  But actually it is hurry to reach office that brings out so much athleticism into the people of metropolitan. Also air is filled with smells of fresh flowers, agarbati and soap fragrances. It ‘s an unbelievable scene for any country chap to believe that at that particular moment there were more number of people coming and going at bus stand than the people in his whole village are living. All ages, section and colors are present; it makes the scene ironical that how many people are there in this part of the world. Fred is a different kind of fellow he doesn’t even notice that. His steadily moving feet and straight head, focusing nowhere, is a stroll. He was too mechanical inn his ways and doesn’t have any clue how many people collided to him.

His apparent aim was in the vision now. A tall ten storey building with loads of glasses was shimmering in the sun. So He reached his destination.

In this all description of the morning scene, we forget to discuss how Fred actually looked this morning. Fred was application developer and he doesn’t have to be too formals in his appearance. The Organization, he is working does have a uniform, but because nobody cares what a developer should wear, Fred tries out his own ideas. After watching him sometimes its looks that a model has stepped down all the way from ramp to the office. People don’t comment about his appearance, till he is wearing something. This whole excerpt of his personality was important because here become contemporary in his looks a dapper. He is always inspired by the mood he holding up in the morning and wears accordingly.

 

Office.

Sixth floor of the building was totally covered by the company. This company basically deals with software solutions, especially for hardware based systems. Beautiful entrance with glasses, a guard saluting you, feels you are boss of at least one. So Fred entered into the office with usual mechanical walk and everybody did what they supposed to do, a cold hello to everyone to whom he met. He reached the desk and it’s a one by fourth section of a big round table. His almighty brain was continuously   reminding of Monday and he left with some work of Saturday still under his sleeves. Fred was little stirred and was ready to persuade his boss for one more days. His heart was heavy and he was expecting a call from boss’s cabin, a luxurious place to execute people.

It had a huge AC with a satin covered crouch, a big table with a shape of letter L, small section was occupied by a Laptop and bigger section has a big globe and a small clock. Behind this table the executioner sits in a big and comfortable black leather chair. Opposite to which there resides two chairs which victim’s fill. This wasn’t a court room drama to be in that cabin and people of staff had always measured the time period that who is more resilient, who can bear more. As per the records maximum time has been spent by an Old employee for sending the wrong quotation to the client. It was almost three hours, but there is a secret behind that valiance, actually that day his battery of hearing aid was weak that day and hence he doesn’t know himself what was actually said. That guy left then job due to his health reasons. But for this office he is still praised as Hero.

Suddenly the air of the office changed, there was uneasiness there. Anybody can sense that boss has arrived. The silence was all over and if some sound it was humming only. Fred was trying to keep his calm composure and watching the monitor like he has never seen it. Suddenly the peon, who always found in an unending happy state, was also in a surprised mode today. Signs were not good, may be boss had a fight at home with his wife. Fred has more reasons to be anxious as boss always hated the way he is dressed. So jaunty was not welcomed in the office. He started taking step s towards the hell as he thought about it, every time his feet touched the floor, his heart beat raised. At the door it was like he is doing bungee jumping. And he opened the door after a knock with the cry in his mind.

Cliff hanger.

As the name said it was a property of Shiva Kumar, he is the general manager for this branch and quite a boss. His basic traits were arrogance, chauvinism and impoliteness. He was devil and forgive someone was crime for himself.

So Fred’s entry in the room was like someone jumped from the cliff, the one can only close his eyes to be safe.

Fred’s eyes were closed for few seconds but his ears suddenly felt very nice and cozy. His brain suddenly knocked the door of eyes and said”Dude, according to Mr.ear there is a sweet female voice present in the surrounding”. And the shutter opened, in front of him, he found one beautiful lady sitting on the chair. At first glimpse Fred was knocked out, a perfect Indian girl.

 She had an elliptical face with beautiful shimmering eyes. Nose was small and sharp, kept, perfectly, in between two eyes. Just below it, with a measured distance, decorated two petals shaped lips and vertically ending with a pointed chin. Her hairs were tied tightly in a thick mesh. They were lengthy enough to reach down to her waste. She was smelling lily in them and forehead was decorated with a small circle in between her two eyes. 

She was fast and prompts in her ways. Her eyes were very focused, even though somebody is staring at her. She moves her hand rarely and composure was very concentrated. Only flaw was her smile although she was gorgeous but those lips were not able to emanate their beauty. They were mechanical only for speech. Also confuses other about her mood. She was well draped in an Indian wear and looked elegantly slim. A small amount of arrogance and pinch of proud, all this was Miss. Sree Lakashami Iyenger.

Fred’s brain had stopped working and whole world have disappeared from vision, only her. Above description was for Fred and his senses. He wasn’t shocked but fallen. That room was peaceful for him, because she was there. Boss was tolerable because she was there. He forgot all nervousness and frightfulness.

By now everybody in the room has realized that somebody had entered the room. As expected Mr.Shiva Kumar took Fred’s name in a jeered tone. It was enough to break the ice and bring Fred back to reality. His vision suddenly widened and he was able to see his boss’s annoyed face. He suddenly up till now his boss has introduced him more than one time, actually he doesn’t know how many times, and he have not responded to her. This gave him a little embarrassment.

Her face was also a little taken aback by Fred’s ways. In the end they shook hands and occupied the seats.

So now was Mr.Kumar’s turn to introduce her, as u all know the name, she was a new recruit and here first assignment was to join Fred’s team as team member to pace up the project. Some of the team members were promoted and Fred was not. According to the boss he was too loony and totally unfocused. Not a bad comment at all for Fred as he was out of this world personality for this office at least. She was a software engineer by education and a bright student as per grades. She was a good competition for Fred.

 Smitten.

The aura of the room was mixed now; half air was filled with love and half with haughtiness. It was like from one end the river of proud and river of love are been mixing and they are creating a whirlpool of emotions. The lady in that room was so uncomfortable, but how can she let it out. She concealed her feeling under the cloak of professionalism.

Everybody in the world admits that these subtle species of Homo sapiens are actually possessive some mystical power too. They can almost guess 80% of men around them, are thinking. Though they don’t boast of it, but a little deep analysis can make out that.

So as Mr.Kumar was ordering them to get goals and plan well etc etc, Fred was not following anything. His brain and eyes were not in control, the beautiful face he has seen and the glimpse was not enough. He was feeling hoarse and addicted. He was sitting next to her and her presence was making him check himself. He was keeping his hands on the mouth and try to smell his own breathe. After every 2 minute he moves his neck at a small angle, trying whether she was watching him or not. There was a tempest going on and she was not at all responding. Every time their eyes met she resettled her stole and again back to Mr.Kumar.  

Ultimately the speech of Mr.Kumar got over, and it wasn’t a merry feeling after it, for both of them. She took a file from Mr.Kumar and Fred was confused where to see now as the spell broke out.

Mr.Kumar, suddenly directed his voice towards Fred, “Fred have done that work, and you have been assigned on Saturday?” “Oops! It was not expected,now “Fred’s brain said to himself. Actually by now Fred thought Mr.Kumar have forgotten all and may be due to the beautiful face, he may let go.

 But Fred cannot take all this now; it can be disastrous for the impression. This lame was acting smart today, Fred thought about his brain. He quickly answered” it is done that day itself. Do you need it now”? Complete silence, boss was not expecting this and so he was clueless. He said in jeered tone “ok ok, send to me by evening I will check it. Or maybe tomorrow, right now I m busy with some work!” 

Fred was excited; it was a silent assassination, a man who never listens to anybody, was convinced by an odd chance. Presence of woman has effects on everyone. 

   

Knackered!

It is unbelievable that I’ m again writing all this for nobody. This is not a frustration anymore, rather a fascination. All night I was talking to an old friend, this is the only recreation is left with me. These days phone is my best friend and whoever is talking at the other side, is phone’s voice. Phone is good to me, sometime little critical, but an amazing carny. As we were talking about my friend, the Army Guy, He is a fun guy and pretty straight forward in his feelings and terms. He told me how he was impressed by three characters of the class room as they stood out of league. Their stature of being so versatile was unachievable. They were not together but identities. Their effects were even not known to their own selves. They were lovers, writers, dreamers and fighters. Their strength stood in their faith, proving the world no matter what the scenario. When we were discussing this I went nostalgic, somewhere those years and efforts were alive in my eyes and they were on my cheeks after slipping from eyes.
He was trying to remind me, that I never craved anything that time. I only believed in doing and putting the best efforts. Results were not into the picture. That time we all enjoyed, not bargained for fun. That was we and life straight connection, no negotiation at all. Then why today for every effort I’m begging to people. The fun quotient is gone. I have not changed; nothing has changed only the outlook is changed. I never asked her highness to love me then why I’m disappointed when she is happy with someone. I never played a single day basket for win, it was just having fun. Though both of the sentence I wrote, are partially wrong too as they were the other sides of the coin. Still my abilities to perform any task are not diminished, but my attitude has.
You know these days I m feeling I m getting awaken by the life, the dream land is over. The way life is doing is very cruel. As we two chatter bugs were chatting he told me how army life is very good and at the same is a hell. The kind of treatment they get in their budding years, is that only fittest can survive. And believe me he told me until and unless you think you are fittest, you not fittest. It’s war with your own self. Where you inner self shows you all worst scenarios and ditches you every second moment. But a true soldier conquers it well. And he told me I have to believe in myself no MNC is bigger than me and no amount of money can measure you. So keep the right foot ahead instead of turning your head back.
It was inspiring, very inspiring. I just felt the fire in my heart is out. It was an emotional moment, the phone got disconnected as my balance was over and my tears and screeching were not heard by him. I have promised myself that i will not beg to luck any more, rather I will not beg to anyone.
What I was is past. And what I will be is future and in between stands is me and my efforts for carving out this present moment.
Now at least I don’t fear of failure. Even if I have to do a boot polish to earn my livelihood, I will not be ashamed. Engineering was not a guarantee to happy life.

Stonkered

Hi to only friend Mr.Cool , who’s actually doing his duty instead of enjoying my blogs. I don’t know what made me start writing all these crap even though I knew I will not find the readers. By Reader I remember Kate got an Oscar for best actor, female last week. As this year’s Oscar was a celebration for Indians as from release of Taare Zameen Par till the December last year, every global Indian has brightness in his eyes. They can clearly see that this year will not go in vain. Especially when throughput the year Mr Aamir Khan,a  unique actor launched himself as a director. I would not take his credits for making a good film but still winning Oscar for it was a derby race. We all bet on it, and finally it failed to be even among the nominations. This whole episode told me that things are relative in existence. The Irony is both the movie was about young blood of country and what problems they are facing. An underdog who is genius in its own self, but people fail to recognize and in other one lover boy searching his lost beloved. The backdrops of the both the stories were Mumbai. Only difference, was the section of society been portrayed.  If we see the script the things were common. As it was just not addressing the problems but it were realities of life. The depiction was rare of a kind.  Total movies were full of younger generation of the country and at the end showing how this generation treats their problem.

The most remarkable part of this whole event was it made me identify myself somewhere and told me that even though I have flaws with me and my ways are different to address problems. But that doesn’t mean I lost it. I should be trying my hands on any freakish concept in which I believe in, no matter how alien it is to the people.  My brave efforts will give the next generation a new avenue for putting a fight.

         Today I talked to my father and I felt somewhere he is hindering me in trusting myself. I know he is protective and trying to show me a big picture. But is it not about trying a new thing important.  Somewhere I m trapped in my own self now. The work is not learning any more. It’s a burden and I remember I never did the burdens in my whole life always what my heart said. I guess this a time where my inner self is provoking me as an identity and individual. I want to risks and if something happens, have to take the responsibility. This isn’t about searching Latika but it is about who wants to be billionaire.  I guess my life’s Latika was murdered recently and left me drier.  This is not about just me when I see all together myself, it about a persona who was living on high some years ago and now suddenly crumbling like anything.

   I need to address my friend who is reading, I want him to understand that why isn’t he is clearly about things. He knows some eventful things have happened in his life and as a friend if he will not share the matter I may end up in  a situation where my  actions can affect him. And  things can go weird , I m saying all this because I really had very nad experience in my past , where people took me other way and I found myself hurt by someone. So I don’t want take any chances in future. 

Rise of the fall

Hello and welcome. See, I have been till now, a person of sorrow and regret to my readers and somewhere a looser. But I still feel that I have got the power to excel in my life that’s why I was burning the old crop, before sowing new seeds. It is not a only me who is doing this, in my opinion everybody is doing so.

Recently, my babble with the Respected Indian was quiet an irony. He told me that I’m a bore because I go way beyond into the stuffs, than required. This was an eye opener to me. The idea was not speak anything that destroys the interest of listener. You should speak to please the listener; if it is a success then you will be considered for the next conversation. It was his theory which amazed me. Actually I believed in concept of speaking truth and depth. I agreed that my speeches were always too heavy to be digested. But confusion is why we shouldn’t speak what our heart draws. Of course, till now I’m not able to get an answer for this question.

Another event brought more light to this concept. A new friend who’s quiet older to me and had seen lot of ups and downs, told that this my mistake. I’m turning into a stereo type, or rather an information database. I should be sensitive to world around me and act accordingly. His views were acceptable to me. He also discussed that I should think beyond today and plan tomorrow. The divine mouth was analyzing me and it wasn’t hurting. I found a new patience in me and ability. I felt for the things he said. And I made a promise to myself that I will happy more matter what situation is.

Actually, this all made me think that why people disappointed me, because I let them do that. I always compromised myself with other things which were terribly wrong to do. If I see others as humans, I’m also a human so I should give the same treatment to my own self. Really I m bound be success and bound to be happy no matter what comes and goes. The most close relatives, money or may be life itself, being happy is more essential than taking breathe in.

Now I have dream, my dream of a good serene human being, firstly I want to join a gym for my daily workout. It increases amount of oxygen carried into the blood. Second part of the dream is my meditation, I m in process to join Sahaj marg for my inner turbulence and soul. Thirdly I want to study more and essentially Master of Science is the one I dearly pursue.

I wrote all these things dreams, because I see doing this daily in my dreams but in real life some or other reason I fail to make them possible. But my determination is filling daily and passion is going harder and stronger.

As I have shared my dream to you, I should be earnest to tell the reasons. My first reason for not been able to go to gym is a partner with whom I can do the exercise. Reason for second part is my laziness in the evening to go to my master’s house. Reason for third dream is my father’s ability to pay my tuition fees. s

Man its bye from my side as I got my laptop back after 20 day I will be blogging more frequently now onwards. May god bless the world !

Eklavya-the tribal archer

Hi, if you had any glimpses of my blogs then by this time, you must have realized that I’m good at drama.

Seriously, this is no offence on me. Somewhere, deep inside me, there lives a great screen play writer. I believe that every moment spent by any creature in this world, is an art in its own sense. Somebody wins, somebody looses. Somebody lives, somebody dies, but everything is a beauty for a beholder. You feel to cry, see a mother whose son is on front, if you feel to laugh, see a sister fighting to her brother for her book, if you feel to lament of loosing something, then see an old man, still carrying load on his back(he lost his youth and power). If you feel to be excited, see father of his first child on delivery day. So every moment is precious and extraordinary.

Why I’m talking like this today? Answer is simple I’m going to share again something with you.

Will you accept it?   

So let’s go back to my school days again. See there, I’m on my hero puch and about to reach school. Today is fifth September, teachers day in India. There is a big celebration today as every class is giving or doing something special for their.so dear, teachers. As I was from second shift, I was no fancy guy. But I fall for someone and my instincts as artist, are polished by now. I was a revolutionary thinker.  Let me introduce some of the characteristics of my classroom twelfth B. there is legacy, since past three years, we have captured the stage as just anything. We brought too much attraction at stage that no class was able to.  We were rare species and were on extinction. My idea was to make extinction a non-forgettable affair.

It’s not that I was making real efforts, but there were hell lots of people were trying the same. But they were way away from the idea what is actually non-forgettable. May be a strip tease in our play can do it. Or may be some movie thing, but it was done. No reiteration please. Or if we have a real fight on stage after forgetting the track and asking that “it was my line”. Or why not we ask some celebrity to come and join us on stage.

For Leo , the simple thing was, enact an extract from a Pakistani play Bakra-Kisto-Mein. It did not attract my any artistic urges. It was quite difficult to even imagine how it will look on stage. But it was initiative from Leo, so energy and people were on high. And also nobody had guts to deny the idea.

Confession time, wow man I have to do it, sorry brother, but I never found Leo’s sense of art and presentation, any good. I was not able to say in front of him, I accept I m a coward as not been able to speak in front of him. Biggest reason for it was his closeness to her highness. He had power to kill me anytime. I used to think that if said anything or if I will hurt him, her highness will never like. And come on, I love her so I can’t see her against me. One more truth, I actually shared my deepest secrets with Leo so I should say somewhere I trusted him and felt as a hindi movie goes, this guy will find how much I crave her and ready to do for her (did so much). That he will help me in her case. Man I relied on him like my own brother. I never took anything against him, by just anyone.

So , as in my childhood days, I had this story of Eklavya the tribal archer. I was mesmerized by the persona of Eklavya. He was the underdog and a hero. He was a self made man and still was ready to give all he had to his teacher. Man after Karna, he was the best archer of the world and Arjun came after him. But he was not destined to do greatness; still he put a huge mark on people all these ages. It was a real question to be asked at teachers day that why teacher’s pet is always most remembered guy in school whereas the people who are not able to impress teacher,don't get what they deserve. 

My brain was ready with the idea. But my ways were not allowing me to tell all this to Leo. Man it would have been a disaster if that idea would have reached him. Definitely he would have felt I’m trying to kill his idea. I was scared and nervous to put in front of anyone but Mr.Cool. He is very good in listening, and he listens attentively.

Actually Leo’s idea bombed very badly on the day, just  before celebration, no actor who can deliver such kind precise slapstick and timing that people will laugh. Dialogues were too strong to be spoken in front of students and also on a day like that. Come on, have some damn logics. But everybody was confused now. What will happen to the chronology?  Twelfth B has got nothing good this time. 

The school was over and I was reciting some of the William Shakespeare’s prose on her highness, while leaving the auditorium. And I knew she was getting me, but girl’s old ways act as if she haven’t listened at all. I was in another mood that day. Somewhere unknowingly I was thanking God. As just few days before that, I cried in front of god and asked for any opportunity to prove myself. And that day I got it.

That day evening I went Mr.Cool’s house with my script ready and asked him for suggestions. He was not much bothered about the whole fiasco, so very Cool. He was attracted to idea and asked me to keep up the good work. But while returning I felt may be tomorrow some other fellow will come and put his idea. I was just an ordinary guy an miracle happens with extra ordinary people.

Back to the present day, now I have parked the bike in parking and I’m walking with a trot, man I’m excited. I’m normal clothes today. Here I m on the road, just next great football field. it's a good weather day. It’s day no sweat, no chill. Winters are not far and you can see that as air is mirthful. The grass in field is green as just now rainy season was over and uneven weed also has covered all over the scenery. Now I’m at basketball court, my shrine, I should be on it at least once in a day, or I’ll miss happiness in the day. It is just a perfect day.

Just now I entered in the New building campus, there is chaos all over. But my destination is not this place. I reached my classroom, walking all way from the corridor of seniors. I met few fellows there; Goblin is busy in making arrangements. I also joined him, I ‘m also a Prefect. We asked students to enter Audi in a mannered way. Ask them to sit, and behave properly. After all this I found Mr.Cool, we were together now returning back to class room. We are joined by another fellow, his name is Mangu. He brought a very good Kurta, draped on him. He is looking so good. Everybody in my class is present on this day, but spread all over the school, doing their duties. I ask Mr.Cool to help me in this play; I wanted to filter my script more sharply, so that can be performed in fifteen minute of time period. He took the responsibility. I was now little ignited by inner self. I felt do or die. I ran to Audi again, found whoever was there and told my idea, majority of them were so unaware that no emotions from their side. 

That time feelings in me were dead, seriously. i was not bothered about others and their feelings, which if you see from my point of view were great plus point. Actually i'm a man with small, mentality ussue, i think about about others before thinking about myn ownself and also if they really cared about my job. But luckily this was the time when i actually felt nothing. I was prepared with the script , idea and now left to dissolve this cocktail in the brains of these men , rather actors. I started explaining them inside the classroom, i felt like a dictator, every thing i would say, will be a law. but truly speaking when you act like one, you are empty at heart and execution of brain and lips were mechnically. 

I understood the situation that first requireemnt was  men, rather actors. As they were not ample. So i found i have to be on the stage. I started declaring each persons identity and at last i found i was missing with Eklavya. He should have been someone real, in my sense. And those days feelings about life was really gruesome. Recently i had found that i was not good with many things which were kinda important to life. Also as teachers had their favourite names on their tongue. i was a lost identity. Another addition to the fact was i was in love and her highness gave a damn to me. All  these were a great inflammable mixture, may be equivalent to Ammonium Nitride. 

So, i discussed my matter with Mr.Cool, he told me as you know the dialogues and track of the play. You should in maximum time on the stage as you can save people who are not well rehersed. That was a fact , no doubt, actually some people had roles of walking in crowd, no dialogues.I asked for general consensus, at this point my feelings were mixed one. Suddenly the vacuum was filled with feelings. am i really a deserving candidate to be a protagonist of a play.

This can yield severe criticism, if bombed. is there anyone who wants to do this role, after listening. Man i was stressed, but my dear friend Mr.Respectful Indian said, come on you  can do  it and then the whole bunch. 

Things were clear, no suddenly an idea came to me. i wanted costumes and props to be there in play. but arrangement was risky. So idea was to make the play as professional as possible, we asked Goblin to make sounds of different things, especailly the DOG's barking. \

Now i visualize the play for three seconds and i got my answer. Question was if we are a group of international theatre artists, then how we will be acting? How we will look? and Answers suddenly occupied my whole brain. It was Kurtas and Pajams, normal make up, actaully no facy affair.

I was satisfied by the idea, but no came the answer how can we get these many of them. Answer was impossible. 

Then second option was in vests and half naked. i guess to me it was respectful. not because girls can get their piece of entertainment. but as we all will be uniform looking and i have seen big theatre artists performing like that. My decision was firm, we all went half draped on the stage.

Now clutter of thoughts has been cleared and i was not bothered about anything. 

The time came, we were annouced, and slowly , from the backstage we took our places, 

First scene was Drona in the Jungles with his disciples. They had a dog and loyal one. The dog kept encircling them and alerting them. 

Drona talks about all Panduvas which was kind of introduction to every character, who filled the stage. Also only one Kaurava, as we didn't have actors. There were prasies about every Panduva and highlighted praising for Arjuna were he gets the promise of making the best archer in the world.

Second Scene was only a decision to go deeper into the jungle and see the nature.

Third scene introduces a tribal archer , who is praying an Idol and seeks wishes from the teacher. He is not introducued with lavishly big lines but humble one. he was man of integrity.At the end he starts practising his archery.

Fourth and Final scene, is where the braves comes near to the archer's practicing place and there the dog starts barking. By the way dog was the only constant sounding (barking ) thing. It suddenly stops and the mob gets distracted , the dog returns to the drona and he founds out, that somebody had filled dogs mouth with arrows. And its been done so skillfully that the dog is alive .

Drona gets disturbed and asks for the identity of the archer. Answer come in humbe way that he is son of tribal clan and an archer, entitled as Eklavya. that make dorna engrossed into the thinking that how come  there is a teacher better thann him.  He asks for the identity fo the teacher, Till now the eklavya, who actually drew nearer, was in front of the braves. As eklavya never learnt anything from Drona, was atonished by the surprise visit. Drona asks about his teacher, his answer was simple you are the only one. Best teacher in the world.

His atonishment was multipled by thousand, drona face was in deep thoughts. he asked how come you learnt from me, i never taught you. He said i made an idol of mud and always kept you in front in my thoughts and all good were rained upon me. i showed the idol, for all the students of Drona, it was a time of confusion. How can one can learn with a mud idol in front of him. 

But the greatest effect came on the ARjun, he was promised somewhere but this tribal kid was better than him, the control over arrow was way head of him. 

This time of happiness as Eklavya thougt cannot be compared to anything happened to him ever before.But same time was a dreadfull time for Arjuna as an archer.

This was real situation of the world somebodies happiness is somebodies is grief.

So, Drona thought of the situation and asked Eklavya, you still believe i'm your teacher. The answer was very obvious, Yes, and he siad that. Then Drona asked if you have the blodd of real tribal warriors in your viens and your have the courage of a ferocious Lion, then give my Fees. 

Sudden, surprise inboth the sides. Eklavya was swelled with the proud, he hails  from a small tribe and in his whole tribe nobady had ever given something to a Person as great a Drona. 

Answer was simple you wish my noble teacher, i will do anything to repay the honour you have given my by asking.

That moment was treacherous air was blowing and time was cunning, so even the greatest of greatest was affected. Drona asked for the right hand thumb of Eklavya as that was the most precious part of human body , if you are an archer, that right thumb actually holds the bow and give direction to the arrow. Drona dissappointed humanity by doing so. He alone cann't be blamed , it all in the fate.  

This was the time, when sky became darker and wind blew harder, Eklavya gave no second thought to it and took the newly sharpened arrow and the motion was bloody.

Second moment Eklavya, was on his knees , presenting the thumb to his teachers.

That was scene where accorfding to me audience should stand and applaud , but it did nt happened. But still i knew there were waves for it.

Man, what a feeling after that play. i proved myself. I had dreams of been distinguished by the terachers and also by the students, it was respect taking event. 

BUt i was wrong, people thought that i dea was brought by Mr.Current. as he was a famous for. 

all the teachers gave him, the credits in the class room , and i was just always watching him humbly accepting the gratitude.

It was feeling as I'm foxed by somebody.

 

 

 

 

Tuckered- New horizon

Man, welcome to My world again. There have been quite a few days that I haven’t written any blogs.

Actually I was running away from Computer system, I' m somewhat addicted to computer. I stay at least seven to eight hours in front of system in office and then, in night I type all these blogs and also sometimes I read eBooks and PDFs

 So ultimately, my whole life revolves around computer. This has started taking toll from me, as my eye sight is weakened, badly also no physical workout so some cramps, always.

 Leave it,  let us start with my today’s mood. I'm really happy and my life now as I see is in a successful venture. I met and been cared, loved and sometimes respected, by so many people.

Yeah I’m speaking the truth. I know what her highness can feel when I suddenly asked her that I love her. God, if I would have been in her place, well must have done the same stuff. She is on high in life. She loves someone, she have great career and happy a promising life. She can’t even have a damn imagination that when somebody seeks love and he is denied, how bad he felts. It cuts heart, slowly and slowly. Man, I’m blessed, blessed that I can have pain in my heart. I know people must be thinking I should go and play dil wale dulhaniya raj to get her, but whoever has seen Rab ne banade Jodi, he will understand love is not about getting somebody; it’s more about sacrificing yourself. And when you will sacrifice yourself, your heart will be your caretaker. Suddenly life will start helping you in keep her hay and whatever you will decide for her. After listening to heart, you can give immense happiness to her. I know calling her and bugging her will only make me feel weaker. I love her and that’s why I let her go. Because calling her daily and making her life, mentally sick, is easy thing. Big thing is to control yourself and live the life with your heart-broken. It’s like you don’t have hands to eat yet you have to eat. You are impaired, still you say man I’m not going to die like this.

This is the time when thoughts like suicide and intoxication, are easiest things to do. Actually speaking in my case, it would have been the particularly very easy. I stay alone, nobody can stop me. But then I felt that if I’m really son of my father and I’m really a person of ethics that I boast of. Then I will really come up from this situation. I will win. I have no choice.

You know every time when I think of calling her and telling her that “may be you don’t love, may be you feel I don’t deserve you”; you know what my heart says? He says” Come on man, this is the time you were losing out in life because of her. Actually she was way beyond from my reach, if I say in terms of life. How a person who lived in her house, can accommodate herself with a street urchin. A person, who lived like going tuitions and thinking of IIT and all sorts of good college, can accommodate with a defaulter.  Even today she thinks of making a career, whereas I m living my good time as my father has saved quite a good money and that’s why I m still living in a better place. If I would not have been my father’s son, then I would be making posters in some banner. Man I owe him, big.

Confession time, even Shivaji tyagy was out of reach to me in case of any comparison. So man, she made a right choice.

I used to think that if I get a chance to choose a partner for her,what i 'll search. my answer will be, first a guy who’s really an all rounder. A man who’s solid, sensitive and serene, not a lunatic like me. Though I tried my ass, damn hard to get it. 

He is qualification should include IIT+IIM, if that’s too high then a govt. officer.  That guy should have a persona of toughness. His height should be at least six feet tall, dark but clean skin. He talks about just everything; he is an honor as company, a great motivator. His innocent looks complement his secret charm of seduction. He is quick witted and makes you laugh at just any situation. He is as diligent as any studious geek, but his quality of secrecy saves him from anykind of taunts.

Sports are not just physical workout but he enjoys himself in team and feels happiness in achieving victory. He is a great compliment to any team. He acts generous while taking any credit and feels immense happiness, when he is acknowledged. His idea is do well and receive well.

As she is just blunt in her ways, he will be sharp but elegant. His ways of loving her will be more like a out of a romantic book experience. Rather than going to a restaurant, he will like her to sit behind him in a heavy pouring day. After a long drive, hot-hot boiled corn will be his idea of love. Every week movie will be a necessity no matter which movie it is. 

He will always help in cooking and Sunday will be his day of attending the kitchen. He will always ask tips from aunties, sisters and other friends to prepare a delicious food recipe. 

Kids are his reflection and he has loads of fun with them. As he believes only in one kid philosophy, but you will always find him with some body’s kid, in any get-together.

His face will suit his personality very well.

Sharp features, a small face with triangulated chin. Small but acute nose, beady eyes with real sparkle in it, very noticeable forehead as little big in comparison to the whole face. A big grinning smile that captures the heart instantly. His physique is athletic as his love for sports always urges him to play.

This is the ideal man for her. But I don’t know what she has found. If she has chosen him as her life partner, must be great. And actually she has proved me wrong and a big nonsense. But I still feel life will give another chance to me and she will not be the girl. I really don’t need a blunt girl any more. I still feel somewhere she should be lunatic and lively like me. Three cheers for life.

Let‘s just rock!

 

 

 

    

i wish i would have born in that generation

Eightth January

Hi friends .Yeah I said hi, that’s means I m positive today and no negative thoughts at all. So let me tell you right now one thirty in morning and I m feeling happy.

Let’s just start our day. Actually in morning on eight, I felt very weak and cannot wake up, not even from bed. I was shivering. I knew I weakening my health due to poor food habits. I m only living on three times tea. It’s not about any financial crisis. But I have lost my appetite, totally. So nine thirty in morning, I messaged my senior I will not be reaching office on time. I woke at one thirty pm and prepared for office and reached. There I did what I usually do, check mails and do some orkutting. Suddenly my inner self pushed me to at least open the application and do the stuff. I started working in between I suddenly remember how Miss Beta use to talk to me and how generous she was for me. I decided to read my old chats and mails. After all those old literature, I judged myself, very heartless to people who actually treat me well. I had a smile on my face after reading all this and was also happy as she forgave me, after I apologized.

 Till I finished all this, it’s time to go home, as I finished my Monday’s task today. It was a lovely feeling of glory and embarrassment.

In night I lingered around here and there, till I decided to see some movies. I was little excited by the idea and went straight to the parlor and got three Motion pictures.

Let me have the honor to tell the names. First I asked for DASAVADANIYA, it is movie about a looser like me, who seeks everybody‘s  happiness  over his . Life plays a game with him as he is a tormented soul , he gets another blow as a cancer. Doc says not more than 2 months and then he gets a chance to be selfish and do what he always liked. Whole of the movie was about a looser and felt each emotion clearly as man I know what a looser means. It was an amazing feeling all together when I saw it. I felt that guy can do it. I can also do it. 

Second movie was the Kung Fu Panda.  Let me tell I love animation movies, my child favorite channel is cartoon network. And as this story was quite a simple one.  As don’t search anything simple be what you are and you will be a hero. Just be yourself. I felt great energy in my thought process after watching both the flicks.  Man kung fu panda, was something made me realize what I didn’t receive, was not meant for me. So leaving all blues, I m feeling bright at this time. Wish me luck I can continue the good work.

Third one is a typical bollywood comedy; copy of the great Hollywood flick The Hitch. I brought it to be merry and see liter side of life. I have not seen it yet. I will watch it tomorrow.

 Sorry folks I know match is still somewhere in my thoughts I will bring on soon.