Day of sanity!!

Well , day took a turn and I went very nicely in a direction of calm and peace.
Productivity was aim and kinda moved me in some direction. My ways were quite straight and affable. Slept at right time woke up at right time, did some stuffs which were quite interesting.
I found an old dvd which had my all star collection , steve morse,steve vai,jimmy hendrix, Ozzy etc, and it all was delight and happiness. Music heals better than alcohol. I must say I m totally lost in it.
The idea is not work for making a company, a small one in which we can make some products based on software development practices.to bring it o reality, found a project working on it keep me busy but future is sill hazy. Man reaching to finish is far far away. biggest issue I have never worked on Websites,and support is null. But possibility is very high to complete it. hoping more productivity out of my side.

AM I Really gonna change.

Whats the fundamental of living life. I guess as all of us will agree money.
Relationships make life too, but I feel i always away from them. All are very alien thoughts when it comes to keep somebody happy ,, Actually just like confidence , happiness is also word that doesn't count to me.I m totally unaware what does it mean.Its 2002 when i felt I have a reason to live and I can influence others as well as myself to aim something. This held good for me till I reached somewhere I mid of it. Then sudden boom something wen very wrong. My ability was proved to be of no good, this whole season is still open and every day I disappoint everyone in the vicinity. My hundred ten percent as quoted by my younger bro, is meaningless, I have to quite living fairy tales.
I guess time to get woken up, but all those idols of mine , whom I have ever dreamed
off should be executed. this is like killing a whole civilization. I have to that what situation asks for.Being human is not a mantra of generation living.
Coming back to fundamental I guess in recent future I will see myself doing all that which I never even imagined.

WHERE TO HIDE!! I M NAKED.

Fundamentally speaking, i always had a clue that i m not gonna go places. Life took and shook me , some events , some people led me to an attitude that i can also be somebody.
I guess this was suppose to happen to make a man feel crazy enough that he will get what he want. See what happen now........all is me and just feeling why I m like that way I m.
A complete disaster,all my talents are in vain coz of my attitude. I cannt think straight. I dont see all those things which a normal human do. and now whats the bet, I cannt even kill myself after reaching at this point. Its not me but people who have an illusion that i can do things great, will be disappointed, harassed and sad.
My question to myself is , is there anything left in you that you can do better.
I guess the way i judge others, i cannot handle my own criticism on my own self.
Talking about basics of life. I hv none, life did offered me but i lost them. love,happiness ,money. always to get more , I always bargained what I had ,and every time this game made me loose.
I m scared thatt whether should I be able to rose myself form ashes. I read in books how great people once were not great, but eventually hey became. They never quit, but I guess waiting for the ultimate day makes you live 100's of pathetic days, where every day you mke a plan and every evening you feel cheated.
Once my grandfather told me optimism is very heavy to carry on back and pessimism is very lite to keep in pocket. So these words meant nothing to me and stir no emotions till I actually got blown away by circumstances.
Man , I hate myself so much that I dont want anybody else to bear me, getting into relationship is horrifying, I m so sad for this kinda personality I hv , I dont think so I will be able to lead a good life.