Knackered!

It is unbelievable that I’ m again writing all this for nobody. This is not a frustration anymore, rather a fascination. All night I was talking to an old friend, this is the only recreation is left with me. These days phone is my best friend and whoever is talking at the other side, is phone’s voice. Phone is good to me, sometime little critical, but an amazing carny. As we were talking about my friend, the Army Guy, He is a fun guy and pretty straight forward in his feelings and terms. He told me how he was impressed by three characters of the class room as they stood out of league. Their stature of being so versatile was unachievable. They were not together but identities. Their effects were even not known to their own selves. They were lovers, writers, dreamers and fighters. Their strength stood in their faith, proving the world no matter what the scenario. When we were discussing this I went nostalgic, somewhere those years and efforts were alive in my eyes and they were on my cheeks after slipping from eyes.
He was trying to remind me, that I never craved anything that time. I only believed in doing and putting the best efforts. Results were not into the picture. That time we all enjoyed, not bargained for fun. That was we and life straight connection, no negotiation at all. Then why today for every effort I’m begging to people. The fun quotient is gone. I have not changed; nothing has changed only the outlook is changed. I never asked her highness to love me then why I’m disappointed when she is happy with someone. I never played a single day basket for win, it was just having fun. Though both of the sentence I wrote, are partially wrong too as they were the other sides of the coin. Still my abilities to perform any task are not diminished, but my attitude has.
You know these days I m feeling I m getting awaken by the life, the dream land is over. The way life is doing is very cruel. As we two chatter bugs were chatting he told me how army life is very good and at the same is a hell. The kind of treatment they get in their budding years, is that only fittest can survive. And believe me he told me until and unless you think you are fittest, you not fittest. It’s war with your own self. Where you inner self shows you all worst scenarios and ditches you every second moment. But a true soldier conquers it well. And he told me I have to believe in myself no MNC is bigger than me and no amount of money can measure you. So keep the right foot ahead instead of turning your head back.
It was inspiring, very inspiring. I just felt the fire in my heart is out. It was an emotional moment, the phone got disconnected as my balance was over and my tears and screeching were not heard by him. I have promised myself that i will not beg to luck any more, rather I will not beg to anyone.
What I was is past. And what I will be is future and in between stands is me and my efforts for carving out this present moment.
Now at least I don’t fear of failure. Even if I have to do a boot polish to earn my livelihood, I will not be ashamed. Engineering was not a guarantee to happy life.