Day of sanity!!

Well , day took a turn and I went very nicely in a direction of calm and peace.
Productivity was aim and kinda moved me in some direction. My ways were quite straight and affable. Slept at right time woke up at right time, did some stuffs which were quite interesting.
I found an old dvd which had my all star collection , steve morse,steve vai,jimmy hendrix, Ozzy etc, and it all was delight and happiness. Music heals better than alcohol. I must say I m totally lost in it.
The idea is not work for making a company, a small one in which we can make some products based on software development practices.to bring it o reality, found a project working on it keep me busy but future is sill hazy. Man reaching to finish is far far away. biggest issue I have never worked on Websites,and support is null. But possibility is very high to complete it. hoping more productivity out of my side.

AM I Really gonna change.

Whats the fundamental of living life. I guess as all of us will agree money.
Relationships make life too, but I feel i always away from them. All are very alien thoughts when it comes to keep somebody happy ,, Actually just like confidence , happiness is also word that doesn't count to me.I m totally unaware what does it mean.Its 2002 when i felt I have a reason to live and I can influence others as well as myself to aim something. This held good for me till I reached somewhere I mid of it. Then sudden boom something wen very wrong. My ability was proved to be of no good, this whole season is still open and every day I disappoint everyone in the vicinity. My hundred ten percent as quoted by my younger bro, is meaningless, I have to quite living fairy tales.
I guess time to get woken up, but all those idols of mine , whom I have ever dreamed
off should be executed. this is like killing a whole civilization. I have to that what situation asks for.Being human is not a mantra of generation living.
Coming back to fundamental I guess in recent future I will see myself doing all that which I never even imagined.

WHERE TO HIDE!! I M NAKED.

Fundamentally speaking, i always had a clue that i m not gonna go places. Life took and shook me , some events , some people led me to an attitude that i can also be somebody.
I guess this was suppose to happen to make a man feel crazy enough that he will get what he want. See what happen now........all is me and just feeling why I m like that way I m.
A complete disaster,all my talents are in vain coz of my attitude. I cannt think straight. I dont see all those things which a normal human do. and now whats the bet, I cannt even kill myself after reaching at this point. Its not me but people who have an illusion that i can do things great, will be disappointed, harassed and sad.
My question to myself is , is there anything left in you that you can do better.
I guess the way i judge others, i cannot handle my own criticism on my own self.
Talking about basics of life. I hv none, life did offered me but i lost them. love,happiness ,money. always to get more , I always bargained what I had ,and every time this game made me loose.
I m scared thatt whether should I be able to rose myself form ashes. I read in books how great people once were not great, but eventually hey became. They never quit, but I guess waiting for the ultimate day makes you live 100's of pathetic days, where every day you mke a plan and every evening you feel cheated.
Once my grandfather told me optimism is very heavy to carry on back and pessimism is very lite to keep in pocket. So these words meant nothing to me and stir no emotions till I actually got blown away by circumstances.
Man , I hate myself so much that I dont want anybody else to bear me, getting into relationship is horrifying, I m so sad for this kinda personality I hv , I dont think so I will be able to lead a good life.

Here are we, somewhere I never wanted !!

For me taking decisions is all that matters, and I m failing to do so.Everybody heard about hibernation and returning healthy, thats what attracts me. These days I m feeling as I'm stuck in time. every day is an hour and spending it , feels like an year.
My speculation about my own character is very ill, i think I'm totally living in a Never-land.
I have not achieved any laurels but my instinct acts as in I'm a starry celebrity. Absolute intoxication of thoughts and non realization and non acceptance of reality. My gloomy life style and loony ways are so crazy , that no prizes to guess that i get doomed. This board is the only place who is not criticizing me.
Somewhere I myself don't trust Loveleen,he is a fluke, does everything as only expecting, not working hard. Man reality is hard and such a cowardice act is here as in living under the shades of parents protection o save himself from any humiliation and extinct.
Finding a place to fit in is very hard!!. At least for loveleen, a man with wrong attitude.
I dont know how long I m gonna survive like this , totally loathed with guilt.

Happy New year friends,,,,,,,,,,

This was 't suppose to happen but actually did. I was in mid way of searching myself and I m again distracted. The life is all about your feelings and I m in melancholy. Frankly speaking , I crave being happy now. I m totally a non thinker now, I m hedonistic and turning restless as its gonna end now.

Trust now i expect the most and life is serving me the least.

These days some ill feelings are also moving under my skin, as when i see myself without support of my mom and papa,i guess i wont like live at all. Now I have to start searching a leader in myself and start leading life.

Arey yaar sachi , i dont have much hope left...I want to throttle up my life. I m praying or rather pleading to almighty that this is the time send me the opportunity , i wont disappoint you.

High time for me,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,dont wana loose it at all.

Man... I think I m turning a little insane too and I m scared. I m trying abate myself as don't want to land up in any mess.

I guess this is the most dangerous way I ever lived. Up there in my brain I getting monstrously

out of control. I guess my hormones are contributing too much.

God saves me, and let me come out this whole phase without getting hurt.

God bless everybody

Don't know why we are living?

Hi, today my day started with a dullness in brain and body. I took my scooter and as all mango people I started my journey to the office, a place so called working place. on the way my brain was continously ticking. And i was scared as i got dream last night.

Allow me to add fewmore details: These days i m alone at my home and this loneliness is uncozy to me. I was watching one movie and it was about a guy who try to forget her ex's memories and tries to start a new life. It becomes disasterous every time he makes efforts as i can identify myself with him. I guess I made a mistake by watching whole movie and found very difficult to avoid all those feelings which make me crave her. It was an adrenalin pumping and soul stirring situation. I was crying and I was fighting and cursing my ownself for being so weak. The night was sleepless.

Morning was running towards after noon and I was still in cobweb of old memories.
I wanted to run away from this world, atleast from an area where people know me and they know about me and her. Come on, I m still anable to answer my ownself that why I m not the "one".
Man there is a rage in my eyes and I m desperate about killing my own self. There is no place for a looser. As a jungle rule , I should be killed by some stronger animal.

I have to run and that too farther ,If possible from this world.

I dont need any money , no fame, no life all i need is ................

Lost in Love!!

Greetings guerillas! there has been a lot of time that i have actually wrote anything. The air is grown warmer and moist. And i was localized back to the delhi region, an area of beautiful isolation. The crowd is full of beautiful lineage but population makes it gruesome.
As everybody know (read my old blogs) I was in chennai, coming back to north is little hoarsing. Here people are more of attitude, not of aptitude. Sun shines brighter and faces are covered with clothes, congestion is some what people like and waiting on red traffic lights actually brings down rich and poor at single level. An average bike rider stands just next to a BMW owner, thanks to traffic police, car's window glasses are transparent enough to have a beautiful view. So thats how a delhi guy starts his day. Conclusion is live at its best.
But this was what gives you a feeling of missing something. And i knew what i was missing, my Rajasthan and its air , sun and food. I wanted my senses to go back in childhood days and bring back all the energy back. So planned a leave and the moment i got it, I was on roll.
This was first time i was all alone to my motherland. I was craving that sun tanned innocent people and a place where I roam proudly in the streets because every lane have somebody who knows either my grand parents or parents. All those young face have turned wrinkled and get extremely surprised when a modern day guy comes and touches their feets.It is a place where people see you ,gives you blessings and feel happy to see you grown so much.
Its a place where people wants to talk to you and when you remind small small events happened, the smile turns into laugh and enviournment becomes nostalgic. The feeling of people showing warmth is amazing.

So went to get myself back. The plann was to be anywhere where hearts says stay. It can be a desert or a sterile, it can be a jungle or civic , it can be a abandoned moument or a lavish urban hotel. But to whom i m lying, everybody knows india is a world of extremes. And near every urban area there is a rural backwarded area attached. So there were fears that a guy weak , alone man on the roads of india, can be crooked or looted .. i mean if the lady luck will not favour me , i may even die. Perhaps India is n't that bad.

The first check point of my Loner goner was alwar. It was a place of sweetness. People are humble and happy. they treat as you are a family even if your just met once or twice. I had no planns where to stay there although i knew many houses there. It was excatly ten years, when I visited that place back.

But surprise surprise , no changes at all.