Verity

Day of sanity!!

2010-08-10T16:35:00.000-07:00

Well , day took a turn and I went very nicely in a direction of calm and peace.
Productivity was aim and kinda moved me in some direction. My ways were quite straight and affable. Slept at right time woke up at right time, did some stuffs which were quite interesting.
I found an old dvd which had my all star collection , steve morse,steve vai,jimmy hendrix, Ozzy etc, and it all was delight and happiness. Music heals better than alcohol. I must say I m totally lost in it.
The idea is not work for making a company, a small one in which we can make some products based on software development practices.to bring it o reality, found a project working on it keep me busy but future is sill hazy. Man reaching to finish is far far away. biggest issue I have never worked on Websites,and support is null. But possibility is very high to complete it. hoping more productivity out of my side.

AM I Really gonna change.

2010-08-05T18:07:00.000-07:00

Whats the fundamental of living life. I guess as all of us will agree money.
Relationships make life too, but I feel i always away from them. All are very alien thoughts when it comes to keep somebody happy ,, Actually just like confidence , happiness is also word that doesn't count to me.I m totally unaware what does it mean.Its 2002 when i felt I have a reason to live and I can influence others as well as myself to aim something. This held good for me till I reached somewhere I mid of it. Then sudden boom something wen very wrong. My ability was proved to be of no good, this whole season is still open and every day I disappoint everyone in the vicinity. My hundred ten percent as quoted by my younger bro, is meaningless, I have to quite living fairy tales.
I guess time to get woken up, but all those idols of mine , whom I have ever dreamed
off should be executed. this is like killing a whole civilization. I have to that what situation asks for.Being human is not a mantra of generation living.
Coming back to fundamental I guess in recent future I will see myself doing all that which I never even imagined.

WHERE TO HIDE!! I M NAKED.

2010-08-04T15:54:00.000-07:00

Fundamentally speaking, i always had a clue that i m not gonna go places. Life took and shook me , some events , some people led me to an attitude that i can also be somebody.
I guess this was suppose to happen to make a man feel crazy enough that he will get what he want. See what happen now........all is me and just feeling why I m like that way I m.
A complete disaster,all my talents are in vain coz of my attitude. I cannt think straight. I dont see all those things which a normal human do. and now whats the bet, I cannt even kill myself after reaching at this point. Its not me but people who have an illusion that i can do things great, will be disappointed, harassed and sad.
My question to myself is , is there anything left in you that you can do better.
I guess the way i judge others, i cannot handle my own criticism on my own self.
Talking about basics of life. I hv none, life did offered me but i lost them. love,happiness ,money. always to get more , I always bargained what I had ,and every time this game made me loose.
I m scared thatt whether should I be able to rose myself form ashes. I read in books how great people once were not great, but eventually hey became. They never quit, but I guess waiting for the ultimate day makes you live 100's of pathetic days, where every day you mke a plan and every evening you feel cheated.
Once my grandfather told me optimism is very heavy to carry on back and pessimism is very lite to keep in pocket. So these words meant nothing to me and stir no emotions till I actually got blown away by circumstances.
Man , I hate myself so much that I dont want anybody else to bear me, getting into relationship is horrifying, I m so sad for this kinda personality I hv , I dont think so I will be able to lead a good life.

Here are we, somewhere I never wanted !!

2010-07-01T02:21:00.000-07:00

For me taking decisions is all that matters, and I m failing to do so.Everybody heard about hibernation and returning healthy, thats what attracts me. These days I m feeling as I'm stuck in time. every day is an hour and spending it , feels like an year.
My speculation about my own character is very ill, i think I'm totally living in a Never-land.
I have not achieved any laurels but my instinct acts as in I'm a starry celebrity. Absolute intoxication of thoughts and non realization and non acceptance of reality. My gloomy life style and loony ways are so crazy , that no prizes to guess that i get doomed. This board is the only place who is not criticizing me.
Somewhere I myself don't trust Loveleen,he is a fluke, does everything as only expecting, not working hard. Man reality is hard and such a cowardice act is here as in living under the shades of parents protection o save himself from any humiliation and extinct.
Finding a place to fit in is very hard!!. At least for loveleen, a man with wrong attitude.
I dont know how long I m gonna survive like this , totally loathed with guilt.

2009-12-29T09:16:00.000-08:00

Happy New year friends,,,,,,,,,,

This was 't suppose to happen but actually did. I was in mid way of searching myself and I m again distracted. The life is all about your feelings and I m in melancholy. Frankly speaking , I crave being happy now. I m totally a non thinker now, I m hedonistic and turning restless as its gonna end now.

Trust now i expect the most and life is serving me the least.

These days some ill feelings are also moving under my skin, as when i see myself without support of my mom and papa,i guess i wont like live at all. Now I have to start searching a leader in myself and start leading life.

Arey yaar sachi , i dont have much hope left...I want to throttle up my life. I m praying or rather pleading to almighty that this is the time send me the opportunity , i wont disappoint you.

High time for me,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,dont wana loose it at all.

Man... I think I m turning a little insane too and I m scared. I m trying abate myself as don't want to land up in any mess.

I guess this is the most dangerous way I ever lived. Up there in my brain I getting monstrously

out of control. I guess my hormones are contributing too much.

God saves me, and let me come out this whole phase without getting hurt.

God bless everybody

Don't know why we are living?

2009-08-25T02:41:00.000-07:00

Hi, today my day started with a dullness in brain and body. I took my scooter and as all mango people I started my journey to the office, a place so called working place. on the way my brain was continously ticking. And i was scared as i got dream last night.

Allow me to add fewmore details: These days i m alone at my home and this loneliness is uncozy to me. I was watching one movie and it was about a guy who try to forget her ex's memories and tries to start a new life. It becomes disasterous every time he makes efforts as i can identify myself with him. I guess I made a mistake by watching whole movie and found very difficult to avoid all those feelings which make me crave her. It was an adrenalin pumping and soul stirring situation. I was crying and I was fighting and cursing my ownself for being so weak. The night was sleepless.

Morning was running towards after noon and I was still in cobweb of old memories.
I wanted to run away from this world, atleast from an area where people know me and they know about me and her. Come on, I m still anable to answer my ownself that why I m not the "one".
Man there is a rage in my eyes and I m desperate about killing my own self. There is no place for a looser. As a jungle rule , I should be killed by some stronger animal.

I have to run and that too farther ,If possible from this world.

I dont need any money , no fame, no life all i need is ................

Lost in Love!!

2009-07-12T02:08:00.000-07:00

Greetings guerillas! there has been a lot of time that i have actually wrote anything. The air is grown warmer and moist. And i was localized back to the delhi region, an area of beautiful isolation. The crowd is full of beautiful lineage but population makes it gruesome.
As everybody know (read my old blogs) I was in chennai, coming back to north is little hoarsing. Here people are more of attitude, not of aptitude. Sun shines brighter and faces are covered with clothes, congestion is some what people like and waiting on red traffic lights actually brings down rich and poor at single level. An average bike rider stands just next to a BMW owner, thanks to traffic police, car's window glasses are transparent enough to have a beautiful view. So thats how a delhi guy starts his day. Conclusion is live at its best.
But this was what gives you a feeling of missing something. And i knew what i was missing, my Rajasthan and its air , sun and food. I wanted my senses to go back in childhood days and bring back all the energy back. So planned a leave and the moment i got it, I was on roll.
This was first time i was all alone to my motherland. I was craving that sun tanned innocent people and a place where I roam proudly in the streets because every lane have somebody who knows either my grand parents or parents. All those young face have turned wrinkled and get extremely surprised when a modern day guy comes and touches their feets.It is a place where people see you ,gives you blessings and feel happy to see you grown so much.
Its a place where people wants to talk to you and when you remind small small events happened, the smile turns into laugh and enviournment becomes nostalgic. The feeling of people showing warmth is amazing.

So went to get myself back. The plann was to be anywhere where hearts says stay. It can be a desert or a sterile, it can be a jungle or civic , it can be a abandoned moument or a lavish urban hotel. But to whom i m lying, everybody knows india is a world of extremes. And near every urban area there is a rural backwarded area attached. So there were fears that a guy weak , alone man on the roads of india, can be crooked or looted .. i mean if the lady luck will not favour me , i may even die. Perhaps India is n't that bad.

The first check point of my Loner goner was alwar. It was a place of sweetness. People are humble and happy. they treat as you are a family even if your just met once or twice. I had no planns where to stay there although i knew many houses there. It was excatly ten years, when I visited that place back.

But surprise surprise , no changes at all.

Expatiating My Soul

2009-04-27T22:29:00.000-07:00

Greetings my friend, it’s highly exceptional that you are reading today. I found reading a way of emoting and imagining a new world. Recently I was reading an article where author have introduced so many facts about this world. The special thing about it was that they all came to this world from some bodies writing. They were not even a hypothesis for scientists to realize but author were proven better in foreseeing the world. The ideas of flying and swimming, creatures and aliens, etc all were first introduced by some author. Later their effects were found so strong that scientists were pushed to do researches.

This wasn’t just for the sake of impress people but also found a great way of passing a heritage. Every culture is based on books. So actually writing and reading becomes world most essential activity.

I found reading very difficult task, as can’t keep the patience of sitting hours to finish the piles of paper. For me imagining something is the easiest, my hearing senses are very responsive to a good explanation. But suddenly you must have stumbled upon that how come I just started singing about reading today.

Actually It all came back to me after all these years, before this piece I was kind of more interested in expatiating my life moments. But when found this my new friend who’s a daughter of an English teacher, that too literature. I felt back my two special books very next to my heart. I will admit here that Shakespeare work isn’t a story. One can identify the situation very vividly. His characters and portrayal, I was in love with them. Those Victorian women, especially Portia, lady full of richens. Her understanding and her intelligence were way beyond explanation. Of course I seek these qualities in my soul mate.

It ‘s right if I say I was head over heels whenever I read those love scene, choosing casket, handling suitors and becoming a lawyer to fight the case. It gives a complete definition to a strong woman’s character.

I will be lying if will say that Tempest wasn’t impressive. It was my twelfth standard when first time that book was in my hands and I saw a thin book with a ship on cover page. It didn’t glue me to the book. Even the protagonist wasn’t in a heroic, rather an underdog, who’s just managing his life. Al Though his magical creature brought a new kind of excitement as they were singing and plotting. But my real interest built when Miranda was introduced and how she felt pity on the prince. I always felt the Ferdinand is not a character but a way to a girl’s heart. Be pure in your intentions and plunge yourself in emotions, it makes you emanate so much goodness. These vibes of love and joy are powerful enough to attract anybodies heart.

I would admit though I never succeeded in my any of the loves. But for my sake and imagination, this is the right way. These thoughts are weird to some people and practices, but I’m hopeful.

This emotionalism sometimes gives me that joy, which I don’t get by achieving or doing. It is loony to others but serene to me. If I achieve something, I feel for the losses of others.

Sometimes books have started defining my mood, as I read as I m. They really give a heavy head and deep learning. All these authors inspire me a lot. I wish to my genie that give me more experiences and emotions with all this a good vocabulary. So that I can write small, very near to life, love stories. I have hots for romance and especially humorous romance. My fingers are crossed and hoping best from the future.

And one dedication to be made to all those friends and foes, which made me feel. No matter it was fear or proud, love or hatred, fun or mocked. All that was amazing to meet as my thoughts and imaginations were exercised.

Overzealous

2009-04-25T07:50:00.000-07:00

Hi to all whoever is making efforts to read this stuff. Actually in my past postings, I have mentioned about my school life which was quite dear to me. I introduced to you many characters and situations. Today also I won’t disappoint you, something from my school days is been served on the platter. I’ m really sorry for those who just stumble upon my blog. The plot and background will be unclear. I won’t be giving any introduction. And those people who actually read my stuff earlier too, thank you very much. Though your comments are valuable, please spend them for goodness sake.

These days suddenly the wind has changed its direction, I m hoping good from the future. The days are mirthful and soul is jaunty. Of’ course physical distance matters but if hearts are connected then it increases your love and joy. If you find a person whose mirror to you for your deeds then enthusiasm go the acme. I don’t expect anything from anyone as you all know and again working on a theory of just do it (thanks to nike for the slogan). So I felt some warmness of somebody’s heart and again alive as a PHOENIX, rising from ashes.

Sorry for details lapse and I do agree that different people will have different feeling on that day. And as living in a democratic country I have right to publish my mind.

Let me take you to a scenario where son of a middle class Indian family got his farewell coming and hails from not so rich family. He asks for a suit in a casual way to his mother and she says you’re too young to have one. You will grow soon and spending 1500-1700 rupees for one event is not good idea. This is been said to him three months prior to the event. And as he understood the situation he didn’t pressed upon the fact and moved on.

The evening just before the farewell, he was at Mr.Cool’s house and they were thinking what to do. Next day they had a big day and one night was not enough to get the situation done. On the invitation itself it was very clear that boys should be in suits, party had rules. This wasn’t a good for them as girls can get their mother’s best saree, which can fit them very well. But if boys going to wear them (father’s suit) they will like carry tents for their adventure trip.

It was special day and day becomes extra special when you are in love with somebody. It was a drastic situation two growing men want to leave an impression on the final day of the school. They were just not able think. They both were too lean to even try. The confusion led to a discussion and discussion invited so many people to join.

Mr.Cool’s family was an enthusiastic Christian family who were more convened about their ward’s presentation, although they were also not in a situation to buy one for him. Suddenly one man’s entry the Mr.BDB ( BullDog Beard). He suggested why they don’t make a mark on the people there. And coincidently both chaps had the same goal, things went interesting. After a huge talk, the crowd decided they should wear some Indian ethnic wear that day and carry it respectfully. Their innocent hearts were optimistic. Mr.BDB taught kids how put a dhoti(Indian ethnic wear) and designed a look for him. Mr.Cool was marked to wear a Maroon Pathani Suite with a black jacket.

The young eyes were shining, he carried the stuff to his home and as he was from western part of India, called rajasthan, his parents were amazed to see their kids connection to the homeland. They encouraged him whole night; they took the camera out and took some pictures. At that point of time the kid realized what actually his parents missed as these years. At a happy note that family went to the bed.

Next Day.

He wasn’t an early bird, and felt missing his early worms. So got little messed up, still there were two hours to go and he decided to go back at the same place where everything started, Mr.Cool’s house. AS soon he reached his house carrying all the stuff on his Hero Puch, he found nobody is at house but himself Mr.Cool. He was in the bathroom doing rarest of proceedings at that point of time.

As he entered the room, which was quite messed up already, found some packet laying as if its priority. He was too excited to believe that anything in the world is called surprise. The shower was over and a freshly shaved lad was in towel and asked how he is been. Even then nothing was revealed.

So he moved toward s the packet and opened it. There lies the magic; it was like pupil widening show. So there came a problem, now he is the only student without a suit in the farewell. But how come one friend can cheat another one. He said what you got brother; kid said nothing he was sticking to the idea of rajasthani dress. He explained how last night Mr.Cool’s family didn’t find it a good idea. Some prestige issues came and how they were lucky enough to get it in the morning itself. The shoulders got dropped.

Suddenly Mr.Cool presented a thought; he said will it be fine with you, if we can get a suit for you. Kid said that he would anything to get it done. He took to his aunt’s house and there his late uncle’s old suits were there. It was like a treasure trunk full of cloths. Amazing, all were too large then suggestion came why you don’t get one jacket on jean, American’s find it formal. There was no time to think; idea accepted. They reached back home and got prepared and ultimately done.

It was almost nine thirty that all the friends were gathered. They had a small photo session and felt very enthusiastic about being together. All faces were as bright as sun and as shiny as diamond. They started their way to the grand finale.

By this time, everyone had started complementing each other and also misstating that how girls would look. Every young man had one idol to look forward. They were all capering and their hearts were twinkling.

The school.

Love Story-Dappled Dapper

2009-03-09T01:46:00.000-07:00

Monday Morning

Good Morning everybody, perhaps you are reading it late in the night, say to yourself a good morning. The Sun is red and sky is dark purple, clock is showing 5:55 am. There is a room is in the vision with blurry characteristics, the window in the wall is open and he can touch the wall by his feet. The window is welcoming sweet cool air into room. Indian sub continent has an extreme summers, nights are impossible to be tolerated. With the itching, blurry eyes he stood up and searched his eye glasses. First thing in morning is to piss off and unload the pressure. While pissing he suddenly remember today is Monday, feelings for Monday wasn’t good. For any common man who works in any office, after a careless Sunday, Monday is a horrible dream. It worked better than any coffee for him. All laziness gone and he started to recollect, what was left behind on Saturday that he need to finish. Poor chap, if boss found any tasks pending for this week, it can be a disaster.

He poured water inside his kettle and put it on to boil the water. After five minutes the kettle made a noise, water was ready. He poured water inside his cup with milk powder, later added some coffee and sugar. Coffee ready! After sipping two times, he shakes his head, and found himself into the mirror.

He is Ferdinand Paul, an educated electronics engineer turned into a working software developer. He is an Indian by both the parents but, still keeps an American way of living life. His looks are attractive, especially his hair styles. He always had then more trendy hairstyles that even his parents were horrified to see them. He not so tall, but obviously he is mad about basket ball, Americas favorite game. His forte includes a different way of thinking which sometimes cause him troubles.

Good thing about India that diversity is so high that any kind of human can live the country. And so is our Fred. His are always different, but still he keep up fighting and dreams about reaching to the stars.

This description is a small one, more important is the story so let us move on.

Monday was bad day of all the days and especially for man like Fred. After his morning routines, he took his mundane exercise of walking towards the office. The way was from a small society to a big by pass road of a metropolitan. His office wasn’t a far distance, but taking this way daily has taken out the beauty of the scenes. He knew daily a group of young lads of locality, who don’t think they should be doing some works, will be ganging up. They make all sorts of noises when he passes by but it doesn’t effects him at all. Then on grand house comes in the right hand side, which building from ages and still going on. The particular thing about that house is the workers changes in every few months. Now he reaches the big bypass, fully crowded with vehicles of all sizes. Dust and smoke, are key ingredient in the air to breathe. He keeps on walking; saving himself from people coming with huge intensity as fire has broke out somewhere near. But actually it is hurry to reach office that brings out so much athleticism into the people of metropolitan. Also air is filled with smells of fresh flowers, agarbati and soap fragrances. It ‘s an unbelievable scene for any country chap to believe that at that particular moment there were more number of people coming and going at bus stand than the people in his whole village are living. All ages, section and colors are present; it makes the scene ironical that how many people are there in this part of the world. Fred is a different kind of fellow he doesn’t even notice that. His steadily moving feet and straight head, focusing nowhere, is a stroll. He was too mechanical inn his ways and doesn’t have any clue how many people collided to him.

His apparent aim was in the vision now. A tall ten storey building with loads of glasses was shimmering in the sun. So He reached his destination.

In this all description of the morning scene, we forget to discuss how Fred actually looked this morning. Fred was application developer and he doesn’t have to be too formals in his appearance. The Organization, he is working does have a uniform, but because nobody cares what a developer should wear, Fred tries out his own ideas. After watching him sometimes its looks that a model has stepped down all the way from ramp to the office. People don’t comment about his appearance, till he is wearing something. This whole excerpt of his personality was important because here become contemporary in his looks a dapper. He is always inspired by the mood he holding up in the morning and wears accordingly.

Office.

Sixth floor of the building was totally covered by the company. This company basically deals with software solutions, especially for hardware based systems. Beautiful entrance with glasses, a guard saluting you, feels you are boss of at least one. So Fred entered into the office with usual mechanical walk and everybody did what they supposed to do, a cold hello to everyone to whom he met. He reached the desk and it’s a one by fourth section of a big round table. His almighty brain was continuously reminding of Monday and he left with some work of Saturday still under his sleeves. Fred was little stirred and was ready to persuade his boss for one more days. His heart was heavy and he was expecting a call from boss’s cabin, a luxurious place to execute people.

It had a huge AC with a satin covered crouch, a big table with a shape of letter L, small section was occupied by a Laptop and bigger section has a big globe and a small clock. Behind this table the executioner sits in a big and comfortable black leather chair. Opposite to which there resides two chairs which victim’s fill. This wasn’t a court room drama to be in that cabin and people of staff had always measured the time period that who is more resilient, who can bear more. As per the records maximum time has been spent by an Old employee for sending the wrong quotation to the client. It was almost three hours, but there is a secret behind that valiance, actually that day his battery of hearing aid was weak that day and hence he doesn’t know himself what was actually said. That guy left then job due to his health reasons. But for this office he is still praised as Hero.

Suddenly the air of the office changed, there was uneasiness there. Anybody can sense that boss has arrived. The silence was all over and if some sound it was humming only. Fred was trying to keep his calm composure and watching the monitor like he has never seen it. Suddenly the peon, who always found in an unending happy state, was also in a surprised mode today. Signs were not good, may be boss had a fight at home with his wife. Fred has more reasons to be anxious as boss always hated the way he is dressed. So jaunty was not welcomed in the office. He started taking step s towards the hell as he thought about it, every time his feet touched the floor, his heart beat raised. At the door it was like he is doing bungee jumping. And he opened the door after a knock with the cry in his mind.

Cliff hanger.

As the name said it was a property of Shiva Kumar, he is the general manager for this branch and quite a boss. His basic traits were arrogance, chauvinism and impoliteness. He was devil and forgive someone was crime for himself.

So Fred’s entry in the room was like someone jumped from the cliff, the one can only close his eyes to be safe.

Fred’s eyes were closed for few seconds but his ears suddenly felt very nice and cozy. His brain suddenly knocked the door of eyes and said”Dude, according to Mr.ear there is a sweet female voice present in the surrounding”. And the shutter opened, in front of him, he found one beautiful lady sitting on the chair. At first glimpse Fred was knocked out, a perfect Indian girl.

She had an elliptical face with beautiful shimmering eyes. Nose was small and sharp, kept, perfectly, in between two eyes. Just below it, with a measured distance, decorated two petals shaped lips and vertically ending with a pointed chin. Her hairs were tied tightly in a thick mesh. They were lengthy enough to reach down to her waste. She was smelling lily in them and forehead was decorated with a small circle in between her two eyes.

She was fast and prompts in her ways. Her eyes were very focused, even though somebody is staring at her. She moves her hand rarely and composure was very concentrated. Only flaw was her smile although she was gorgeous but those lips were not able to emanate their beauty. They were mechanical only for speech. Also confuses other about her mood. She was well draped in an Indian wear and looked elegantly slim. A small amount of arrogance and pinch of proud, all this was Miss. Sree Lakashami Iyenger.

Fred’s brain had stopped working and whole world have disappeared from vision, only her. Above description was for Fred and his senses. He wasn’t shocked but fallen. That room was peaceful for him, because she was there. Boss was tolerable because she was there. He forgot all nervousness and frightfulness.

By now everybody in the room has realized that somebody had entered the room. As expected Mr.Shiva Kumar took Fred’s name in a jeered tone. It was enough to break the ice and bring Fred back to reality. His vision suddenly widened and he was able to see his boss’s annoyed face. He suddenly up till now his boss has introduced him more than one time, actually he doesn’t know how many times, and he have not responded to her. This gave him a little embarrassment.

Her face was also a little taken aback by Fred’s ways. In the end they shook hands and occupied the seats.

So now was Mr.Kumar’s turn to introduce her, as u all know the name, she was a new recruit and here first assignment was to join Fred’s team as team member to pace up the project. Some of the team members were promoted and Fred was not. According to the boss he was too loony and totally unfocused. Not a bad comment at all for Fred as he was out of this world personality for this office at least. She was a software engineer by education and a bright student as per grades. She was a good competition for Fred.

Smitten.

The aura of the room was mixed now; half air was filled with love and half with haughtiness. It was like from one end the river of proud and river of love are been mixing and they are creating a whirlpool of emotions. The lady in that room was so uncomfortable, but how can she let it out. She concealed her feeling under the cloak of professionalism.

Everybody in the world admits that these subtle species of Homo sapiens are actually possessive some mystical power too. They can almost guess 80% of men around them, are thinking. Though they don’t boast of it, but a little deep analysis can make out that.

So as Mr.Kumar was ordering them to get goals and plan well etc etc, Fred was not following anything. His brain and eyes were not in control, the beautiful face he has seen and the glimpse was not enough. He was feeling hoarse and addicted. He was sitting next to her and her presence was making him check himself. He was keeping his hands on the mouth and try to smell his own breathe. After every 2 minute he moves his neck at a small angle, trying whether she was watching him or not. There was a tempest going on and she was not at all responding. Every time their eyes met she resettled her stole and again back to Mr.Kumar.

Ultimately the speech of Mr.Kumar got over, and it wasn’t a merry feeling after it, for both of them. She took a file from Mr.Kumar and Fred was confused where to see now as the spell broke out.

Mr.Kumar, suddenly directed his voice towards Fred, “Fred have done that work, and you have been assigned on Saturday?” “Oops! It was not expected,now “Fred’s brain said to himself. Actually by now Fred thought Mr.Kumar have forgotten all and may be due to the beautiful face, he may let go.

But Fred cannot take all this now; it can be disastrous for the impression. This lame was acting smart today, Fred thought about his brain. He quickly answered” it is done that day itself. Do you need it now”? Complete silence, boss was not expecting this and so he was clueless. He said in jeered tone “ok ok, send to me by evening I will check it. Or maybe tomorrow, right now I m busy with some work!”

Fred was excited; it was a silent assassination, a man who never listens to anybody, was convinced by an odd chance. Presence of woman has effects on everyone.

Knackered!

2009-03-04T06:45:00.000-08:00

It is unbelievable that I’ m again writing all this for nobody. This is not a frustration anymore, rather a fascination. All night I was talking to an old friend, this is the only recreation is left with me. These days phone is my best friend and whoever is talking at the other side, is phone’s voice. Phone is good to me, sometime little critical, but an amazing carny. As we were talking about my friend, the Army Guy, He is a fun guy and pretty straight forward in his feelings and terms. He told me how he was impressed by three characters of the class room as they stood out of league. Their stature of being so versatile was unachievable. They were not together but identities. Their effects were even not known to their own selves. They were lovers, writers, dreamers and fighters. Their strength stood in their faith, proving the world no matter what the scenario. When we were discussing this I went nostalgic, somewhere those years and efforts were alive in my eyes and they were on my cheeks after slipping from eyes.
He was trying to remind me, that I never craved anything that time. I only believed in doing and putting the best efforts. Results were not into the picture. That time we all enjoyed, not bargained for fun. That was we and life straight connection, no negotiation at all. Then why today for every effort I’m begging to people. The fun quotient is gone. I have not changed; nothing has changed only the outlook is changed. I never asked her highness to love me then why I’m disappointed when she is happy with someone. I never played a single day basket for win, it was just having fun. Though both of the sentence I wrote, are partially wrong too as they were the other sides of the coin. Still my abilities to perform any task are not diminished, but my attitude has.
You know these days I m feeling I m getting awaken by the life, the dream land is over. The way life is doing is very cruel. As we two chatter bugs were chatting he told me how army life is very good and at the same is a hell. The kind of treatment they get in their budding years, is that only fittest can survive. And believe me he told me until and unless you think you are fittest, you not fittest. It’s war with your own self. Where you inner self shows you all worst scenarios and ditches you every second moment. But a true soldier conquers it well. And he told me I have to believe in myself no MNC is bigger than me and no amount of money can measure you. So keep the right foot ahead instead of turning your head back.
It was inspiring, very inspiring. I just felt the fire in my heart is out. It was an emotional moment, the phone got disconnected as my balance was over and my tears and screeching were not heard by him. I have promised myself that i will not beg to luck any more, rather I will not beg to anyone.
What I was is past. And what I will be is future and in between stands is me and my efforts for carving out this present moment.
Now at least I don’t fear of failure. Even if I have to do a boot polish to earn my livelihood, I will not be ashamed. Engineering was not a guarantee to happy life.

Stonkered

2009-03-02T03:51:00.000-08:00

Hi to only friend Mr.Cool , who’s actually doing his duty instead of enjoying my blogs. I don’t know what made me start writing all these crap even though I knew I will not find the readers. By Reader I remember Kate got an Oscar for best actor, female last week. As this year’s Oscar was a celebration for Indians as from release of Taare Zameen Par till the December last year, every global Indian has brightness in his eyes. They can clearly see that this year will not go in vain. Especially when throughput the year Mr Aamir Khan,a unique actor launched himself as a director. I would not take his credits for making a good film but still winning Oscar for it was a derby race. We all bet on it, and finally it failed to be even among the nominations. This whole episode told me that things are relative in existence. The Irony is both the movie was about young blood of country and what problems they are facing. An underdog who is genius in its own self, but people fail to recognize and in other one lover boy searching his lost beloved. The backdrops of the both the stories were Mumbai. Only difference, was the section of society been portrayed. If we see the script the things were common. As it was just not addressing the problems but it were realities of life. The depiction was rare of a kind. Total movies were full of younger generation of the country and at the end showing how this generation treats their problem.

The most remarkable part of this whole event was it made me identify myself somewhere and told me that even though I have flaws with me and my ways are different to address problems. But that doesn’t mean I lost it. I should be trying my hands on any freakish concept in which I believe in, no matter how alien it is to the people. My brave efforts will give the next generation a new avenue for putting a fight.

Today I talked to my father and I felt somewhere he is hindering me in trusting myself. I know he is protective and trying to show me a big picture. But is it not about trying a new thing important. Somewhere I m trapped in my own self now. The work is not learning any more. It’s a burden and I remember I never did the burdens in my whole life always what my heart said. I guess this a time where my inner self is provoking me as an identity and individual. I want to risks and if something happens, have to take the responsibility. This isn’t about searching Latika but it is about who wants to be billionaire. I guess my life’s Latika was murdered recently and left me drier. This is not about just me when I see all together myself, it about a persona who was living on high some years ago and now suddenly crumbling like anything.

I need to address my friend who is reading, I want him to understand that why isn’t he is clearly about things. He knows some eventful things have happened in his life and as a friend if he will not share the matter I may end up in a situation where my actions can affect him. And things can go weird , I m saying all this because I really had very nad experience in my past , where people took me other way and I found myself hurt by someone. So I don’t want take any chances in future.

Rise of the fall

2009-02-10T04:43:00.000-08:00

Hello and welcome. See, I have been till now, a person of sorrow and regret to my readers and somewhere a looser. But I still feel that I have got the power to excel in my life that’s why I was burning the old crop, before sowing new seeds. It is not a only me who is doing this, in my opinion everybody is doing so.

Recently, my babble with the Respected Indian was quiet an irony. He told me that I’m a bore because I go way beyond into the stuffs, than required. This was an eye opener to me. The idea was not speak anything that destroys the interest of listener. You should speak to please the listener; if it is a success then you will be considered for the next conversation. It was his theory which amazed me. Actually I believed in concept of speaking truth and depth. I agreed that my speeches were always too heavy to be digested. But confusion is why we shouldn’t speak what our heart draws. Of course, till now I’m not able to get an answer for this question.

Another event brought more light to this concept. A new friend who’s quiet older to me and had seen lot of ups and downs, told that this my mistake. I’m turning into a stereo type, or rather an information database. I should be sensitive to world around me and act accordingly. His views were acceptable to me. He also discussed that I should think beyond today and plan tomorrow. The divine mouth was analyzing me and it wasn’t hurting. I found a new patience in me and ability. I felt for the things he said. And I made a promise to myself that I will happy more matter what situation is.

Actually, this all made me think that why people disappointed me, because I let them do that. I always compromised myself with other things which were terribly wrong to do. If I see others as humans, I’m also a human so I should give the same treatment to my own self. Really I m bound be success and bound to be happy no matter what comes and goes. The most close relatives, money or may be life itself, being happy is more essential than taking breathe in.

Now I have dream, my dream of a good serene human being, firstly I want to join a gym for my daily workout. It increases amount of oxygen carried into the blood. Second part of the dream is my meditation, I m in process to join Sahaj marg for my inner turbulence and soul. Thirdly I want to study more and essentially Master of Science is the one I dearly pursue.

I wrote all these things dreams, because I see doing this daily in my dreams but in real life some or other reason I fail to make them possible. But my determination is filling daily and passion is going harder and stronger.

As I have shared my dream to you, I should be earnest to tell the reasons. My first reason for not been able to go to gym is a partner with whom I can do the exercise. Reason for second part is my laziness in the evening to go to my master’s house. Reason for third dream is my father’s ability to pay my tuition fees. s

Man its bye from my side as I got my laptop back after 20 day I will be blogging more frequently now onwards. May god bless the world !

Eklavya-the tribal archer

2009-01-15T00:04:00.000-08:00

Hi, if you had any glimpses of my blogs then by this time, you must have realized that I’m good at drama.

Seriously, this is no offence on me. Somewhere, deep inside me, there lives a great screen play writer. I believe that every moment spent by any creature in this world, is an art in its own sense. Somebody wins, somebody looses. Somebody lives, somebody dies, but everything is a beauty for a beholder. You feel to cry, see a mother whose son is on front, if you feel to laugh, see a sister fighting to her brother for her book, if you feel to lament of loosing something, then see an old man, still carrying load on his back(he lost his youth and power). If you feel to be excited, see father of his first child on delivery day. So every moment is precious and extraordinary.

Why I’m talking like this today? Answer is simple I’m going to share again something with you.

Will you accept it?

So let’s go back to my school days again. See there, I’m on my hero puch and about to reach school. Today is fifth September, teachers day in India. There is a big celebration today as every class is giving or doing something special for their.so dear, teachers. As I was from second shift, I was no fancy guy. But I fall for someone and my instincts as artist, are polished by now. I was a revolutionary thinker. Let me introduce some of the characteristics of my classroom twelfth B. there is legacy, since past three years, we have captured the stage as just anything. We brought too much attraction at stage that no class was able to. We were rare species and were on extinction. My idea was to make extinction a non-forgettable affair.

It’s not that I was making real efforts, but there were hell lots of people were trying the same. But they were way away from the idea what is actually non-forgettable. May be a strip tease in our play can do it. Or may be some movie thing, but it was done. No reiteration please. Or if we have a real fight on stage after forgetting the track and asking that “it was my line”. Or why not we ask some celebrity to come and join us on stage.

For Leo , the simple thing was, enact an extract from a Pakistani play Bakra-Kisto-Mein. It did not attract my any artistic urges. It was quite difficult to even imagine how it will look on stage. But it was initiative from Leo, so energy and people were on high. And also nobody had guts to deny the idea.

Confession time, wow man I have to do it, sorry brother, but I never found Leo’s sense of art and presentation, any good. I was not able to say in front of him, I accept I m a coward as not been able to speak in front of him. Biggest reason for it was his closeness to her highness. He had power to kill me anytime. I used to think that if said anything or if I will hurt him, her highness will never like. And come on, I love her so I can’t see her against me. One more truth, I actually shared my deepest secrets with Leo so I should say somewhere I trusted him and felt as a hindi movie goes, this guy will find how much I crave her and ready to do for her (did so much). That he will help me in her case. Man I relied on him like my own brother. I never took anything against him, by just anyone.

So , as in my childhood days, I had this story of Eklavya the tribal archer. I was mesmerized by the persona of Eklavya. He was the underdog and a hero. He was a self made man and still was ready to give all he had to his teacher. Man after Karna, he was the best archer of the world and Arjun came after him. But he was not destined to do greatness; still he put a huge mark on people all these ages. It was a real question to be asked at teachers day that why teacher’s pet is always most remembered guy in school whereas the people who are not able to impress teacher,don't get what they deserve.

My brain was ready with the idea. But my ways were not allowing me to tell all this to Leo. Man it would have been a disaster if that idea would have reached him. Definitely he would have felt I’m trying to kill his idea. I was scared and nervous to put in front of anyone but Mr.Cool. He is very good in listening, and he listens attentively.

Actually Leo’s idea bombed very badly on the day, just before celebration, no actor who can deliver such kind precise slapstick and timing that people will laugh. Dialogues were too strong to be spoken in front of students and also on a day like that. Come on, have some damn logics. But everybody was confused now. What will happen to the chronology? Twelfth B has got nothing good this time.

The school was over and I was reciting some of the William Shakespeare’s prose on her highness, while leaving the auditorium. And I knew she was getting me, but girl’s old ways act as if she haven’t listened at all. I was in another mood that day. Somewhere unknowingly I was thanking God. As just few days before that, I cried in front of god and asked for any opportunity to prove myself. And that day I got it.

That day evening I went Mr.Cool’s house with my script ready and asked him for suggestions. He was not much bothered about the whole fiasco, so very Cool. He was attracted to idea and asked me to keep up the good work. But while returning I felt may be tomorrow some other fellow will come and put his idea. I was just an ordinary guy an miracle happens with extra ordinary people.

Back to the present day, now I have parked the bike in parking and I’m walking with a trot, man I’m excited. I’m normal clothes today. Here I m on the road, just next great football field. it's a good weather day. It’s day no sweat, no chill. Winters are not far and you can see that as air is mirthful. The grass in field is green as just now rainy season was over and uneven weed also has covered all over the scenery. Now I’m at basketball court, my shrine, I should be on it at least once in a day, or I’ll miss happiness in the day. It is just a perfect day.

Just now I entered in the New building campus, there is chaos all over. But my destination is not this place. I reached my classroom, walking all way from the corridor of seniors. I met few fellows there; Goblin is busy in making arrangements. I also joined him, I ‘m also a Prefect. We asked students to enter Audi in a mannered way. Ask them to sit, and behave properly. After all this I found Mr.Cool, we were together now returning back to class room. We are joined by another fellow, his name is Mangu. He brought a very good Kurta, draped on him. He is looking so good. Everybody in my class is present on this day, but spread all over the school, doing their duties. I ask Mr.Cool to help me in this play; I wanted to filter my script more sharply, so that can be performed in fifteen minute of time period. He took the responsibility. I was now little ignited by inner self. I felt do or die. I ran to Audi again, found whoever was there and told my idea, majority of them were so unaware that no emotions from their side.

That time feelings in me were dead, seriously. i was not bothered about others and their feelings, which if you see from my point of view were great plus point. Actually i'm a man with small, mentality ussue, i think about about others before thinking about myn ownself and also if they really cared about my job. But luckily this was the time when i actually felt nothing. I was prepared with the script , idea and now left to dissolve this cocktail in the brains of these men , rather actors. I started explaining them inside the classroom, i felt like a dictator, every thing i would say, will be a law. but truly speaking when you act like one, you are empty at heart and execution of brain and lips were mechnically.

I understood the situation that first requireemnt was men, rather actors. As they were not ample. So i found i have to be on the stage. I started declaring each persons identity and at last i found i was missing with Eklavya. He should have been someone real, in my sense. And those days feelings about life was really gruesome. Recently i had found that i was not good with many things which were kinda important to life. Also as teachers had their favourite names on their tongue. i was a lost identity. Another addition to the fact was i was in love and her highness gave a damn to me. All these were a great inflammable mixture, may be equivalent to Ammonium Nitride.

So, i discussed my matter with Mr.Cool, he told me as you know the dialogues and track of the play. You should in maximum time on the stage as you can save people who are not well rehersed. That was a fact , no doubt, actually some people had roles of walking in crowd, no dialogues.I asked for general consensus, at this point my feelings were mixed one. Suddenly the vacuum was filled with feelings. am i really a deserving candidate to be a protagonist of a play.

This can yield severe criticism, if bombed. is there anyone who wants to do this role, after listening. Man i was stressed, but my dear friend Mr.Respectful Indian said, come on you can do it and then the whole bunch.

Things were clear, no suddenly an idea came to me. i wanted costumes and props to be there in play. but arrangement was risky. So idea was to make the play as professional as possible, we asked Goblin to make sounds of different things, especailly the DOG's barking. \

Now i visualize the play for three seconds and i got my answer. Question was if we are a group of international theatre artists, then how we will be acting? How we will look? and Answers suddenly occupied my whole brain. It was Kurtas and Pajams, normal make up, actaully no facy affair.

I was satisfied by the idea, but no came the answer how can we get these many of them. Answer was impossible.

Then second option was in vests and half naked. i guess to me it was respectful. not because girls can get their piece of entertainment. but as we all will be uniform looking and i have seen big theatre artists performing like that. My decision was firm, we all went half draped on the stage.

Now clutter of thoughts has been cleared and i was not bothered about anything.

The time came, we were annouced, and slowly , from the backstage we took our places,

First scene was Drona in the Jungles with his disciples. They had a dog and loyal one. The dog kept encircling them and alerting them.

Drona talks about all Panduvas which was kind of introduction to every character, who filled the stage. Also only one Kaurava, as we didn't have actors. There were prasies about every Panduva and highlighted praising for Arjuna were he gets the promise of making the best archer in the world.

Second Scene was only a decision to go deeper into the jungle and see the nature.

Third scene introduces a tribal archer , who is praying an Idol and seeks wishes from the teacher. He is not introducued with lavishly big lines but humble one. he was man of integrity.At the end he starts practising his archery.

Fourth and Final scene, is where the braves comes near to the archer's practicing place and there the dog starts barking. By the way dog was the only constant sounding (barking ) thing. It suddenly stops and the mob gets distracted , the dog returns to the drona and he founds out, that somebody had filled dogs mouth with arrows. And its been done so skillfully that the dog is alive .

Drona gets disturbed and asks for the identity of the archer. Answer come in humbe way that he is son of tribal clan and an archer, entitled as Eklavya. that make dorna engrossed into the thinking that how come there is a teacher better thann him. He asks for the identity fo the teacher, Till now the eklavya, who actually drew nearer, was in front of the braves. As eklavya never learnt anything from Drona, was atonished by the surprise visit. Drona asks about his teacher, his answer was simple you are the only one. Best teacher in the world.

His atonishment was multipled by thousand, drona face was in deep thoughts. he asked how come you learnt from me, i never taught you. He said i made an idol of mud and always kept you in front in my thoughts and all good were rained upon me. i showed the idol, for all the students of Drona, it was a time of confusion. How can one can learn with a mud idol in front of him.

But the greatest effect came on the ARjun, he was promised somewhere but this tribal kid was better than him, the control over arrow was way head of him.

This time of happiness as Eklavya thougt cannot be compared to anything happened to him ever before.But same time was a dreadfull time for Arjuna as an archer.

This was real situation of the world somebodies happiness is somebodies is grief.

So, Drona thought of the situation and asked Eklavya, you still believe i'm your teacher. The answer was very obvious, Yes, and he siad that. Then Drona asked if you have the blodd of real tribal warriors in your viens and your have the courage of a ferocious Lion, then give my Fees.

Sudden, surprise inboth the sides. Eklavya was swelled with the proud, he hails from a small tribe and in his whole tribe nobady had ever given something to a Person as great a Drona.

Answer was simple you wish my noble teacher, i will do anything to repay the honour you have given my by asking.

That moment was treacherous air was blowing and time was cunning, so even the greatest of greatest was affected. Drona asked for the right hand thumb of Eklavya as that was the most precious part of human body , if you are an archer, that right thumb actually holds the bow and give direction to the arrow. Drona dissappointed humanity by doing so. He alone cann't be blamed , it all in the fate.

This was the time, when sky became darker and wind blew harder, Eklavya gave no second thought to it and took the newly sharpened arrow and the motion was bloody.

Second moment Eklavya, was on his knees , presenting the thumb to his teachers.

That was scene where accorfding to me audience should stand and applaud , but it did nt happened. But still i knew there were waves for it.

Man, what a feeling after that play. i proved myself. I had dreams of been distinguished by the terachers and also by the students, it was respect taking event.

BUt i was wrong, people thought that i dea was brought by Mr.Current. as he was a famous for.

all the teachers gave him, the credits in the class room , and i was just always watching him humbly accepting the gratitude.

It was feeling as I'm foxed by somebody.

Tuckered- New horizon

2009-01-12T23:44:00.000-08:00

Man, welcome to My world again. There have been quite a few days that I haven’t written any blogs.

Actually I was running away from Computer system, I' m somewhat addicted to computer. I stay at least seven to eight hours in front of system in office and then, in night I type all these blogs and also sometimes I read eBooks and PDFs

So ultimately, my whole life revolves around computer. This has started taking toll from me, as my eye sight is weakened, badly also no physical workout so some cramps, always.

Leave it, let us start with my today’s mood. I'm really happy and my life now as I see is in a successful venture. I met and been cared, loved and sometimes respected, by so many people.

Yeah I’m speaking the truth. I know what her highness can feel when I suddenly asked her that I love her. God, if I would have been in her place, well must have done the same stuff. She is on high in life. She loves someone, she have great career and happy a promising life. She can’t even have a damn imagination that when somebody seeks love and he is denied, how bad he felts. It cuts heart, slowly and slowly. Man, I’m blessed, blessed that I can have pain in my heart. I know people must be thinking I should go and play dil wale dulhaniya raj to get her, but whoever has seen Rab ne banade Jodi, he will understand love is not about getting somebody; it’s more about sacrificing yourself. And when you will sacrifice yourself, your heart will be your caretaker. Suddenly life will start helping you in keep her hay and whatever you will decide for her. After listening to heart, you can give immense happiness to her. I know calling her and bugging her will only make me feel weaker. I love her and that’s why I let her go. Because calling her daily and making her life, mentally sick, is easy thing. Big thing is to control yourself and live the life with your heart-broken. It’s like you don’t have hands to eat yet you have to eat. You are impaired, still you say man I’m not going to die like this.

This is the time when thoughts like suicide and intoxication, are easiest things to do. Actually speaking in my case, it would have been the particularly very easy. I stay alone, nobody can stop me. But then I felt that if I’m really son of my father and I’m really a person of ethics that I boast of. Then I will really come up from this situation. I will win. I have no choice.

You know every time when I think of calling her and telling her that “may be you don’t love, may be you feel I don’t deserve you”; you know what my heart says? He says” Come on man, this is the time you were losing out in life because of her. Actually she was way beyond from my reach, if I say in terms of life. How a person who lived in her house, can accommodate herself with a street urchin. A person, who lived like going tuitions and thinking of IIT and all sorts of good college, can accommodate with a defaulter. Even today she thinks of making a career, whereas I m living my good time as my father has saved quite a good money and that’s why I m still living in a better place. If I would not have been my father’s son, then I would be making posters in some banner. Man I owe him, big.

Confession time, even Shivaji tyagy was out of reach to me in case of any comparison. So man, she made a right choice.

I used to think that if I get a chance to choose a partner for her,what i 'll search. my answer will be, first a guy who’s really an all rounder. A man who’s solid, sensitive and serene, not a lunatic like me. Though I tried my ass, damn hard to get it.

He is qualification should include IIT+IIM, if that’s too high then a govt. officer. That guy should have a persona of toughness. His height should be at least six feet tall, dark but clean skin. He talks about just everything; he is an honor as company, a great motivator. His innocent looks complement his secret charm of seduction. He is quick witted and makes you laugh at just any situation. He is as diligent as any studious geek, but his quality of secrecy saves him from anykind of taunts.

Sports are not just physical workout but he enjoys himself in team and feels happiness in achieving victory. He is a great compliment to any team. He acts generous while taking any credit and feels immense happiness, when he is acknowledged. His idea is do well and receive well.

As she is just blunt in her ways, he will be sharp but elegant. His ways of loving her will be more like a out of a romantic book experience. Rather than going to a restaurant, he will like her to sit behind him in a heavy pouring day. After a long drive, hot-hot boiled corn will be his idea of love. Every week movie will be a necessity no matter which movie it is.

He will always help in cooking and Sunday will be his day of attending the kitchen. He will always ask tips from aunties, sisters and other friends to prepare a delicious food recipe.

Kids are his reflection and he has loads of fun with them. As he believes only in one kid philosophy, but you will always find him with some body’s kid, in any get-together.

His face will suit his personality very well.

Sharp features, a small face with triangulated chin. Small but acute nose, beady eyes with real sparkle in it, very noticeable forehead as little big in comparison to the whole face. A big grinning smile that captures the heart instantly. His physique is athletic as his love for sports always urges him to play.

This is the ideal man for her. But I don’t know what she has found. If she has chosen him as her life partner, must be great. And actually she has proved me wrong and a big nonsense. But I still feel life will give another chance to me and she will not be the girl. I really don’t need a blunt girl any more. I still feel somewhere she should be lunatic and lively like me. Three cheers for life.

Let‘s just rock!

i wish i would have born in that generation

2009-01-09T00:06:00.000-08:00

Eightth January

2009-01-08T23:33:00.000-08:00

Hi friends .Yeah I said hi, that’s means I m positive today and no negative thoughts at all. So let me tell you right now one thirty in morning and I m feeling happy.

Let’s just start our day. Actually in morning on eight, I felt very weak and cannot wake up, not even from bed. I was shivering. I knew I weakening my health due to poor food habits. I m only living on three times tea. It’s not about any financial crisis. But I have lost my appetite, totally. So nine thirty in morning, I messaged my senior I will not be reaching office on time. I woke at one thirty pm and prepared for office and reached. There I did what I usually do, check mails and do some orkutting. Suddenly my inner self pushed me to at least open the application and do the stuff. I started working in between I suddenly remember how Miss Beta use to talk to me and how generous she was for me. I decided to read my old chats and mails. After all those old literature, I judged myself, very heartless to people who actually treat me well. I had a smile on my face after reading all this and was also happy as she forgave me, after I apologized.

Till I finished all this, it’s time to go home, as I finished my Monday’s task today. It was a lovely feeling of glory and embarrassment.

In night I lingered around here and there, till I decided to see some movies. I was little excited by the idea and went straight to the parlor and got three Motion pictures.

Let me have the honor to tell the names. First I asked for DASAVADANIYA, it is movie about a looser like me, who seeks everybody‘s happiness over his . Life plays a game with him as he is a tormented soul , he gets another blow as a cancer. Doc says not more than 2 months and then he gets a chance to be selfish and do what he always liked. Whole of the movie was about a looser and felt each emotion clearly as man I know what a looser means. It was an amazing feeling all together when I saw it. I felt that guy can do it. I can also do it.

Second movie was the Kung Fu Panda. Let me tell I love animation movies, my child favorite channel is cartoon network. And as this story was quite a simple one. As don’t search anything simple be what you are and you will be a hero. Just be yourself. I felt great energy in my thought process after watching both the flicks. Man kung fu panda, was something made me realize what I didn’t receive, was not meant for me. So leaving all blues, I m feeling bright at this time. Wish me luck I can continue the good work.

Third one is a typical bollywood comedy; copy of the great Hollywood flick The Hitch. I brought it to be merry and see liter side of life. I have not seen it yet. I will watch it tomorrow.

Sorry folks I know match is still somewhere in my thoughts I will bring on soon.

Tuckered-The match-updated on 14/01/09

2009-01-08T00:33:00.000-08:00

So, let us start our journey again. I introduced my abilities to think and act. I tried to be a good technician in providing a complete solution to the matter. I was working and working hard. I was missing so many good traits. Even then I didn’t subdue to the situation.

Now, if you remember, I was on the match, Basketball match. As I have explained you how important was that match. We should go ahead with the match.

That was I guess a Saturday, please forgive me if I’m wrong as , I remember I didn’t attended any class on that day, from the starting of the day. I had a great sleep last night. And I was eager to see myself, glorifying greens. I went out and first thing was collecting all the players before the match for a quick word. But truly speaking I task remained undone as all could not make it. I went to our sports teacher to talk about the proceeding‘s, he told me after fourth period match will start. I asked my players to bunk classes, to get a good warm up session. There were reds also sharing the same court and were quite happy about it.

I was at lapse today, I was busier in doing clerical works, like make a list of players, plan their jersey number and report to all the teachers for attending the match. Till interval everything was normal as usual. But in interval we started making court lines, D-lines and cleaning the court. After the task was over, I saw quite interesting people, collected just outside the court near lot of trees. They were outsiders. Let me introduce you them, One was Reds old defender, not left the school, Mr.HiMan and his brother. Also Mr.Cool’s whole family was there, including his father, some old seniors and campus dwellers.

Man, no I realized that it’s going to be a grand affair. Suddenly students were out as interval was over and people started pouring in. there were people who had not relationship at all, yet there support was very important. They were helping in arrangements. I found my juniors very enthusiastic about us. And that day I found Green Goblin’s fan following. Some of our seniors were there to support him.

We used our house jerseys as the game jerseys. We wrote out number at the back with white chalk. It was amazing to write down that number on it. Ball’s were in and they were new one. They were little different from what we use to practice, hard and bouncy, full of air. They were not gripping well to the hands. But we knew after few dribbles it will be fine.

We submitted our list and stood in a line up. Our Principle came and shaken hands with us. I led him as being a captain. The process was repeated by the reds.

We went for toss and we decided the court.

We got the court towards the principal’s residence.

I was happy, but something was stopping me from inside. Somewhere I was chained chained to a thought that I’m captain. And I need to be treated different.

This was something every sports person will think of heroic glory. These things were there in my mind even before I have touched the ball. My attitude was like I will the next Knight in the Birmingham palace.

All these things were creating a tempest in me. I was not player on the court, rather more like an actor who will get applaud on just anything that he does.

Match started and I was expecting reds to be a strong team, after the jump ball we got the ball, luckily and we attacked, something happened that I was not expecting. First try and first count. Man he is the diamond from the coal mine, Green Goblin converted our very first shot into two points. We were in lead. I have acknowledged this guy earlier also for his great sporting skills, Mr.Current was something I thought of, he was not well versed in shooting concept, that’s why he go the defense line up. I asked him to check on center as his position. Man it was amazing feeling Mr. Airy came three times and all the times missed due to greater momentum. Wow whereas I shot one two pointer which was fumblingly received by me and it was easy if you forget all the chanting and screaming of the players (as happens in the practice matches). Next basket was also converted by us , of course by Mr.Green Goblin as he just ran without seeing his near partner, who was already there to receive a good pass.

Till now I have not seen the score board. But suddenly time out brings me back to this world, the world of reds. As n starting of match we green forgot we are against reds and played a practice match, where no matter how the game goes, it’s more important how many baskets I did. It was amazing sleep that we were waked off. My observations told me we were at lead, as Mr. Perfect went and threw his cap, which he wore in style where the flap goes back behind the head. There was a disappointment in the faces. Their biggest face, Mr.Airy , such a solid player, man with speed of bull , had actually lost three straight opportunity and greens were at Six-Zero lead. My o my, I felt we can just drag this lead till the end. But truly speaking that was a wish. Man believe me you only wish, when you not sure of it. In my great sport mind suddenly analysis report of reds pathetic confidence level was issued.

What to say, till that time I was in cozy environment as that goblin was shooting good and pressure was off me. So I can do all I want rather than concentrating on game. Now I felt I need to get maximum passes as to become hero. By that time reds were over with the time out and they have taken a campus dweller, Mr. John in, for whom this court was like his back yard (quite true in any sense), so no question of pressure, also he came new he didn’t have that feelings which reds other players were having. I knew lot about his way of playing. I put one on one check on him. This stopped him for quite a moment and he was still compelled to pass and passes were received by Mr.Airy. He lost himself completely; he was passing to others rather than going for shot. But I knew that kid is talented, he did it he actually put first shot for the reds to be counted. There was heavy jolt of crowd. This was bigger than you expect. Somewhere shook me inside. That was the time I went out of confidence, little. I feared that anybody should get ball but not this Mr. John . This was the first mistake which I did in the game. And also which led to do other mistakes all together.

This checking of John helped Airy to try himself, and got the confidence. I guess no more,for him too, this was a final match. As John was rotating the whole world. He just went and tried few shots and got the rhythm back. Big problem, man big problem, I really didn’t had anybody to match their skills in offence. Now I felt the pressure, also I lost track of shooting also I was more concern in checking as for me Goblin can shoot.

But expect the unexpected, they bloody buggers, actually showed that why people say practice harder. There center was good and sharp. The whole game moves one eighty degree and start playing a different tune. My goodness, now one man show was not possible. Still I left the defense as it is and spent more time near the other court.

But after some time feeling was frustration, these buggers can’t even bring a ball from that court to this court. And whichever manages to reach this side of the court, was again lost by any of the rookie by shooting it from an awkward place or position.

an I needed a savior who can pass me and be a play maker. I changed Mr.Respectfull Indian in as center player so that Mr.Current can help me. But whatever we do, this bloody Goblin will in offensive line up and will make an unsuccessful shoot attempt and back to our court.

Half time declared, I was madly silent (I guess you understand when Insanity reaches its peak then you actually become calmest calm of the whole world). I was out of plan for second half.

Even commenter was singing heroics of the reds. They were most buzzing team that time. Everybody was cheering everyone. Our side was no different, keeping me aside. I was not happy to see Mr.Perfect as it was sing along way communication. I was determined for him.

As the second half started, I did two baskets in a quick secession. One all the way by me, as it was over the head pass to me from greens center. Reds, were with different strategy, they were brought Mr.Perfect to offence and Mr.Airy went for defense. I was quick on that note. I just went to power guard position. Man it’s amazing, every time he comes he have to pass through me. My blood was boiling as they were still at lead. He again came and this time was about to pass through me.

I knew what I have to do, simple tactics. Knee guard (broaden yourself at knees by going little bit down), this lefts no space for a player to pass through you, without touching you. He just didn’t stopped, I guess he under estimated me, straight first I blocked him then suddenly out of the way. This create problem when you are in a momentum. I lost his balance and happened what expected, fell down.

Mr.Perfect ‘s tryst was not over, again tried himself with great vigilance. This time he was in a better place than me. I had to do something, it was final half and I don’t have much fouls with me. This was the time to earn it, straight to ankle lock. He saved himself just from falling. We saw each other’s eyes. It was blood red, I guess before this match we were one the best examples of friendships. Now, we are against each other.

Confession time, Man I m not as great as any Michael Jordan was. But believe me I have seen people expecting form you and you yourself expecting from yourself. And if you failed, then fight or brawls are very obvious things. Even blood doesn’t have any importance if it comes to ambitions. The insanity of a hard worker can easily be compared to the insanity of a crazy drunkard.

So hitting or fighting with reds was the priority on that day but suddenly I was attracted by another fact of the match that I did almost Seventy percentage of balls converted, which were passed to me. I thought these are final opportunities to keep the score running. But everytime for that moment I reached the offence line up, Goblin screwed me badly. I asked him again and again to rotate the ball outside if he is inside. This actually reduce the pressure on him and helps us in keeping the ball control.

But what I can expect from, a rookie that too, such a adamant. I was totally disappointed by his ways. Even I create a hole in the defense, he doesn’t pass. His ways were so irritating me, that I actually ended up in saying , let’s see how big star you are. I let the control of the match go. I acted like I was wandering there, not playing. This was the crucial moment, before this we were in fight and now we are not. I can easily see that how bad Goblin is. Everybody was shouting on Goblin, and he also was such big @#$%. That he doesn’t stop.

That day he got his name as Green Goblin.

I can see greens loosing. I don’t make any promise that I would have done this or that. But everybody knew match would have different if this bugger would have played sensibly.

My biggest, match of life was ruined by this maniac. And I let it happened, this proves my over reliability on people. I’m no vulnerable guy, I m the person who lost and I take the whole responsibility, that I was the reason for our failure. No motivation to team when low at times, no B plans when nothing is working. No strong strategy for times some maniac do like this.

Man a complete destruction.

Mr.Perfect shared a secret that how good he felt when our English Teacher shook his hand and congratulated him.

I went and first thing I did was I saluted Mr.John for inspiring confidence in team. And also great Mr.Perfect, as he came and hugged me and said it ok. Game is game, he knows how good I play and team did pretty well. He was humble guy, as after this much have happened and still keeping it up.

Mr.Airy and Mr.Cool were shouting like hell, they were proud winners. But truly speaking only one guy lost my faith as player was Mr.Airy. That day, I understood what substance he is made up of as a sports guy (no personal offences, I may be wrong in others opinion but still I hold my perception firmly).

Also Mr.Cool’s ability didn’t get nicely tested as he was in out quite a time. And he was more into passing, sorry can’t say it play making, as that is strategic passing. Actually speaking he played a game where he was too good to be criticized and to bad to be applauded.

Another guy, who should get an applaud is Mr.Mony, he was reds center, this guy was amazingly sharp for center. He was fear for me and also played a worthy game by giving long passes to players on attack.

Shri Sadasivam, block no9, flat no.sb2, kences retreat, reddy street, virghumpakkam, 9790828120,srcm.org,So, let us start our journey again. I introduced my abilities to think and act. I tried to be a good technician in providing a complete solution to the matter. I was working and working hard. I was missing so many good traits. Even then I didn’t subdue to the situation.

Now, if you remember, I was on the match, Basketball match. As I have explained you how important was that match. We should go ahead with the match.

We submitted our list and stood in a line up. Our Principle came and shaken hands with us. I led him as being a captain. The process was repeated by the reds.

We went for toss and we decided the court.

We got the court towards the principal’s residence.

I was happy, but something was stopping me from inside. Somewhere I was chained chained to a thought that I’m captain. And I need to be treated different.

All these things were creating a tempest in me. I was not player on the court, rather more like an actor who will get applaud on just anything that he does.

Half time declared, I was madly silent (I guess you understand when Insanity reaches its peak then you actually become calmest calm of the whole world). I was out of plan for second half.

That day he got his name as Green Goblin.

I can see greens loosing. I don’t make any promise that I would have done this or that. But everybody knew match would have different if this bugger would have played sensibly.

Man a complete destruction.

Mr.Perfect shared a secret that how good he felt when our English Teacher shook his hand and congratulated him.

Seventh January

2009-01-08T00:29:00.000-08:00

When in morning I got up, something pricked me inside. I was my conscience, actually forgot to get up early in morning as I promised myself to and exercise. Man, I getting worsen and worsen. My mood was so gloomy, so was the weather outside. It was cold and I shuddered. Today I felt how far I m from the people who loved me. The warmth of their love cannot reach me here. I also didn’t prayed last night to give a good day tomorrow. I was busy in writing the blog. I guess , he didn’t like it. I was ready to face the consequences.

By the way last night I sketched one his portray, by keeping image in my heart as a vision. I thought maybe this will rejoice me and him both. I did finished 80% of the sketch, with little coloring. But it was not enough for him. It’s a big one that I had tried to portray. Actually I thought if he is my ancestor then how he would have looked.

As Hanuman is a monkey god, I actually don’t agree to the theory properly. But I still believe men can have tail. Basically my theory has evidence too. But let it be my point is not to prove his existence. My point is interpreting Hanuman’s sketch in my way. I believed Hanuman was Prince so he will more like a Greek God physique. As I felt always he is synonym of power and strength of a man. So started with it and I somewhere, was not comfortable with his monkey face. I made it as of supremely human. He was ideal for any man to seek power. And his face expression is humble. In the starting I was nerves. But in the end was sweet sense of achievement. I did it. And I don’t need any superficial applause.

Man, I m really, in a trap I guess, a trap of pessimism. My ability to think is going worsen. After so many days I did something positive.

So after reaching office, I saw my senior was there as usual, we shared greetings. And that’s all. I did nothing in the whole day, just sat on the chair and waited for somebody to come and chat with me. I know I was doing a crime. I guess this feeling is there with me since the starting of this week.

What to say. I m in a fix, when I tried to concentrate, I think only about her, did she ditched me, if not then what’s the harm in sharing a thought. Why she is acting so cruel to me. Why ? I guess remembered her every birthday, I tried to be with her in every special moment. I told her my every up and every down. This is not a fair game at all. After her this kind of behavior, my inner self is cutting me inside, what made me do these many things to her, when she doesn’t bothered. I guess I m the dumbest dodo in this world. And I should extinct.

Later in the afternoon, I started searching my old seniors; I found so many faces, with whom I have spent quite a time. They all are now in a great state; my brain started fetching old files again. Those days and how I use to be. My O’my, great lord was so much happy with me. I had only and only fun in life.

Till the evening I have seen some episodes of Third rock from the Sun, and called it a day. I’ m really useless fellow.

Tuckered-Teamwork

2009-01-06T20:10:00.000-08:00

On sixth of January, I woke up late and wanted to get ready as soon as possible. My idea was simple, skip the breakfast as it takes at least six minutes of walking and then 10 minute to serve and finish. After breakfast again 6 minutes of walking so in totality I will lose 22 minutes which is near to half an hour. I did it. And reached office and found the great senior of mine already working. Hats off! to him for being punctual, always. But I didn’t speak to him, something in me stopped me from inside. I guess this was my response in turn of yesterdays behavior. Today I had same feeling of angry child in me.Why did you do to me. Say sorry. And all these lines I cannt speak to him as my ego will get hurt. My O’ my, some time I don’t understand why and what I do.

This incident made me remember big shoot down of my life. On that very day I behaved in the same way and found myself losing my favorite game.

That was my twelfth standard, and I was the captain of the team. It was quite a glorious feeling. I was young and agile. I started my year with a mission to prove something. I acted like a hero of big Hollywood movie star throughout the year. May be some people will certainly agree as they know that the story was nothing but screenplay was awesome. Last year greens, as we were known lost their first qualifying match itself. And that time the captain pushed me hard to get him victory. I still remember that match when I was getting maximum passes,Mr.Chawla and other team member were passing me like hell. And Mr.Jain (from Blues), who was a left hand dribbler and tall figure, checking me like a mad shark in the ocean. He also succeeded in adding few baskets extra for the blues. That day I saw the miracle,Mr.Chow-Bay, who was a class mate, did his life time best act. He got loads of awards (recognition) for a last minute three pointer. That was the utterly luck as he threw it from almost half of the court. And we were in trouble waters as cannot compensate a three pointer so soon and ended up in loosing. later after that match even my English Teacher appraised him in the whole class saying he was great today. I cann't say anything on that.

Confession time! This is something I never like to say but I have to. This lose was nowhere in my brain as it hardly affected anything in life. I was still going to be captain next year. I knew my name even can be considered for the captaincy of school team, as I was next to Mr. Perfect. So I kept my nerves enact, next match was against yellow. And I was happy for Red as we both, shared respect for each other. We both were great teams in spite of their so many veteran players. We supported them like hell in the match against yellow and they won and reached the finals. Now it was our turn to crush the yellows into the nano-particles.

I was very confident before the match and I believed in only one player. He was Mr.Sprint. he was fastest guy I have ever met, he hails directly from a village and believed me as player.

The game was totally one way drive as we both did the what we suppose to do. Many of the field goals were done in a state where we both stood and passed each other to do the finishing. We both were fast for them. Also I guess they were down due their earlier defeat. By the way, don’t forget we were also looser of first match. At the end we did it, now stood third in the tally. Happy and hope, both were served to me, after this match.

This was a milestone, as my only motto to explain you this situation was my positivity. And I was alive in eleventh standard, even though I was smitten by love and defeat.

So we moved ahead to twelfth standard, I practiced whole year like hell. Hardest the labor, better the feeling, feeling of winning. It was awesome man. I think only of two things those days love and play. Rest of the stuffs were happening, accidentally. That will be in another part, today only game. As I love this game.

So I started preparing not only myself but the team. I was the play maker and I needed clever players to execute my game. I was getting insane to win that year. I even tried to get good players of blues. I negotiated to them as there team was worth less without a great like me. Join me up and see the glory. Actually this idea was given by some reds as one of the players was in another house. And last year, he changed his house due to some reason. All this happened in the starting of the year itself. And I asked them to do it as soon as possible so that people will not doubt. But they were fools or rather ignorant of how it feels to be winning. They led down my offer due to financial reasons as they cannot buy a new t-shirt again.

Let it be, It didn’t affect my determination at all. I was pushing myself every night to new level. I had all new sets of moves and strategies. You would not believe some of my new move were inspired by sixth standard students, one of them, lived in the campus, was very impressive. I also worked on quite a few strategies against taller guys. Especially for Red’s gigantic centre players. They were my targets. I have seen every player closely and played loads of game with them. I should not say I knew the weak points, as they were very good in all the things. But yeah I knew their limitations, which existed with everyone.

Confession time, that was an era of Michael Jordan, man he was a defender, still he managed to score highest in NBA. I was madly in love with this dude. The way he behaves after shooting and the big leap for layup. Man he was phenomenon. Mr.Perfect had different way of playing due to small physique , he use to throw the ball from underarms during layup and that was disrespectful, no matter how effective it is. But real magic of Mr. Perfect was spin. I never understood that why his ball goes and sticks to the board where as mine just bounces off, if some momentum is there. But believe me I had a way to stop him. And sharing it may be offending to him, but two good and fixed pivots will stop him from taking layups and he was very deceptive at it. I had prepared theories in my mind. But I cannot execute all of it. I needed people as clever as me to understand. I needed at least two tall guys, One feeder, three shooters(including me), three fixed man and three athletes. My combination for a good basket ball curry spices is out.

Man I started searching from my classroom. I started observing people like crazy. The way they move and they way their body language is, were tool for me to decide whether he can play nor not.

My classroom was full of oddly shaped creatures.There were people having good shapes,but were pathetic in moving their bodies. One of my friend who is in army now was so slow that I use think why he is bowling (cricket) in slow motion. Another friend, Dexter was amazingly uncontrollable. There were others who never even touched any sport in the physical world. There were some exceptions with the oddly shaped ones. One of them was the Respectful Indian. He was amazing at the table tennis. And I found him full of gaming sense. He was marked. Then I found one guy called Mr.Current, he was great man. He is the only one, l learnt later, to put a perfect Yorker, fast and exact. He was an honor to the team. Leo was nowhere even near to thought of.

I got more people in the same fashions I don’t want to kill the beauty of match by going into the details of selection process.

One evening while playing, Mr.Cool’s younger brother Mr.Airy, who was in very good form and somewhat he was playing like a raging bull, not concerned about any consequences. While trying check he hit me twice and I asked for foul. He was enraged and started doing deliberately and later chanting foul! foul! This was really unacceptable to me. And as I was determined to give him taste of his own medicine. I was incited and first thing I did was went straight into the chest of centre player with knee as guard, he was hurt. And so is the whole team. The game was no more a game, it was a War. Both the teams didn't left any opportunity to show their skills. And later I became a victim. While trying to jump, I landed in a wrong position and ankle got twist. I left the court early that day and nobody bothered about me as what happened. I went home tied my ankle with crepe bandage. I went to school next morning I was practicing with my team, suddenly Mr.Cool and Mr.Airy came and started shooting. I shouted like a old hag. I don’t want to play with you before the real match. As you people are plotting to injure our players. They will not be able to play then. I left the court with my ball.

Confession time, those days in my life was first time I was against Mr.Cool, he was dear friend, but I wanted to win, that whole day he was kind of teasing me, no matter, what drama I do, red will win. Even in the interval he was joined by Leo . But my idea was still the same that this year nobody can take this from me.

Suddenly there was wedding in my native and I left the city for some days. I knew in mind that there is a possibility that match can be scheduled in those days. I prayed to god every day and wanted badly to be part of the team, my team.

Before I was coming I inquired about the match by the phone call. The news was not good, the match was scheduled one same day as I was about to return. But even then I considered myself lucky. Hope was still there. I reached home 8:30 am, and so I took a bath. In my mind I was praying , continuously. I took my moped(my gray beauty) and reached school in interval, I guess 10:30 am or near to it. I brought my ball with me , all geared. That was amazing . Suddenly the crowd acted insane. Everybody who was on court was in a fix. There were talks I guess in morning that greens are missing their captain. And now from out of the blue suddenly a ghost has landed on bb court. Man, I was like a proud king who’s addressing people and answering question. Even the Green Goblin was so happy, this guy is great character in my life. I collected the whole team asked the rest of people to leave this side of the court and started doing my proceeding. I was shouting and while shouting I guess one of the blue’s player didn’t like it and took it personally, later he retaliated. Another thing is that I was shouting to abate my nerves.

And later that afternoon. We were against yellow , the first match itself. Now yellow was the color we liked, they lacked of any good preparation. But my mind was observing two players, and I guess they were fatal enough to make us regret. First one was Mr.Chemistry, those days he was the most arrogant fellow in my life. He gave me a damn always, he was great at chemistry also a great friend of the respectful Indian as they shared table tennis love. Another guy was junior to me, and his strength was his so ordinary dribbling with so extra ordinary shooting. His name was Mr.Winswall. and if that was the bad day then defence of Mr.Chemistry and Shooting of Mr.Winswall can led us to the match for third position.

So I did what I can do, In first five minute their wounds were open, they lacked coordination. They were like who ever got the ball should run. Without taking any support. Man first half was amusing and we were at comfortable zone. But second half was as astonishing .Even after having such a good lead, we started turning little slower and this was an opportunity for them. A new guy Mr.Talls, took the responsibility to play centre and then D, to take rebounds. There were two tall giants, snatching almost all the balls on rebound. And this gave somewhere, confidence to Mr.Winswall. He acted as I suspected, suddenly they started making gradual rise in the score card. We were also scoring but any shot missed means rebound and who will take the rebound. So played a small trick, I knew giants are not good in shooting. So I checked full court Mr.Winswall. Even If I got opportunity to hit him from back or side I did it. And I did it even , sometimes in the presence of referee. That guy was blind that day, only few minutes were left. Instead of increasing our score I asked my team to waste time. And that day we saved our skins. That team was even.

Confession time, now I see that match again in my brain, I see myself a criminal, that guy was playing good I should have let him do what he was doing. Believe me he missed only two or three shots in second half. And I didn’t let him attempt much. I was a shadow to him, my idea was do not let the ball reach him, first and if reached then make him pass as soon as possible. And this is only possible when I bother him like hell. So that I played a game of shit for my personal self and a victorious strategy for team. I ask forgiveness on this act of my life.

Now we were in finals. Man, the feeling was awesome and we wanted to face Reds as soon as possible.

Meanwhile one day I was practicing on court suddenly one guy came from the back and tried to kick me, I defended and his kick didn’t touch me. But then he shouted at me like hell. "You know who’ m i? I 'll see you. You are god here, you tell us where to play and where not". Man I was short circuited. I have never seen this guy in my whole life and he is saying I was shouting at him, come on, give me a break. Then story came as he is from blues, he was been asked to leave that court for practice so he was now retaliating to me, for it. I was determined to take some action, but those were the days of love. Happy, mirthful, soft pinkish days. Where man thinks about others and images. I was subdued by a sinlge comment from her highness, what’s the difference between you and him. " lamb , o poor lamb, he didn’t understood , I should go and consolidate him, for the bad treatment happened to him". Aah, these were first thought came to me, to get apt impression on her highness. Man of peace, mahatma. But suddenly Green Goblin came and showed brotherhood, he took me from the class room and told his intentions that he will help me.

Come’ on, be man. These juniors are nuisance, we have to answer them. Anybody can imagine what will be the next step. I thought we will go with cricket bats and hockey sticks and will beat them into pieces. But something else happened, we went to our English Teacher and we asked her help in suspending that guy else, we will take a strong action. I don’t know what does that strong action meant. As I knew nothing happened after her assurance. And I felt to be a fooled out.

This will continue man! Now I have to sleep its 3 in the morning.

tuckered- Prologue

2009-01-05T23:34:00.000-08:00

Till now my five attempts to unravel myself to people are done. I know not many people still, know me. And there must be an eagerness in them, as what I m trying to do. Actually I m against this so called culture of achievers. When I was kid I read loads of stories where in the end after all the struggles the hero gets his entitlement. His bruises are paid back as a sweet princess. She overlooks his miser past and allows him to live a proud life. He has to prove himself just once. The ways were different, plots were different but end was same, a state of completeness. So my dear readers this thought is ever inspiring thought to me. And I want to be happy. I want to be in state where people know me and they respect me. This is not possible till I give them a reason for it.

I have seen many arrogant people, who bully others to not to forget them. I have also seen people who bribe others to not to forget them. But believe me I never fall for them. And luckily I was also spared in both cases as I have been always an unimportant man.

Man, I’m living in a country of crowd and opportunities. This is a fact that there are people who are doing better than me, exists equally with the fact there are people who doing equally bad.

Earlier I use to be lament on the thought that I don’t get what I deserve. But a suddenly storm of events changed the whole vegetation of the farm.

I was really a fearing guy, as I felt I cannot bear this enmity to the world. I stayed in accordance to the people many times. I know I just now discussed that I never subdued myself to any person, who wants to gain leadership through any kind of force, but here matter is more related to situations and people who were impressive in their ways.

Let us come back to culture of achievers, I found in todays generation the respect is only when you do something. You can never get one when you don’t do anything.

I should make my point a little more clear, if stay in house and help my mother in her work nobody will understand that I’m actually helping her. But rather if I go ahead and ride a motorcycle, fast into the roads everyone will seek me.

At this generation, karma is not important, dharma is least bothered. But Fala(result) is important. That’s why I know people after living life in fourth gear suddenly move to spirituality and mysticism. All this happens only after an age, when body gets deteriorated and souls get tarnished. This is not acceptable to me.

I wanted to be hippy, truly speaking and somewhere I feel a lot of peace in it. But sex and intoxication are against my law of living. They are not way to live life, particularly.

People say if I got a chance to relive my life then what you will do. And I know righteously what I should say. In life the most important thing I felt is freedom. But found something beyond that. It‘s called stark dedication. This is something that creates a protocol in a man/woman to live lie for a cause. Usually this thing is alien to young ones, till he/she gets someone that makes them realize that. The most common example of this practice is mother.

It is a dangerous situation sometimes, when the dedication turns into a passion. The blood is only ensuing of any proceedings.

So, my way of reliving life will be dedication to art and human beings. I would choose my life so as I can see people, feeling the might of nature and strength of man. I guess I will start with my sketching ability. I would dedicate my first era of life totally to art and painting. I would try as much I can without bothering about any commercial consequences. I guess, for art one whole life is very little. But my idea is still, to be something distinguishable. All the success, monetary as well as the fame will be shared to the needy ones. I still feel humility of an artist cannot be compared with anything in the world. I know an artist can be proud, in some cases. But he is never a cheater; he labors himself to bring new and innovative ideas to this world. His idea is never, what he will be eating tonight. Rather what else I can make possible in this world. He is thinks and judges by heart. His eyes are always shimmering even in the times of dismay. His balmy looks and life always attract people towards him. His nights are full of dreams and full of color. Even in the darkness of night he felts different shades of darkness. With Such a great vision and such broad sight, a heart full of mirth. I dearly want to be an artist.

My voice against achievers is not for the fact. that i m still moony about achieving greatness. but i have closely followed so many achievers and i found them not worlthy of what they recieved. i know this cannot be a generalization and definitely not a theory, even. But it is clause to the constitution, that before granting something, his intension should be verified first. Because of the crowd and amiable personalities, they real stuffs struggle to come to the surface.

I know after living this much of life, i may sound a whinning baby. But i' m a man with great resilience and had a plann B for each situation. this became important to tell people as few people definitely going to question my mental stableness. And all of my writitngs is not just about me. in coming blogs I will introduce you some more people, who lacked resilience and ended up in destroying whole life. Where as I survived and i guess survived to write all that happened to them and what happens to those twenty out of sixty students, who end up as failure to the world.

So that’s my introduction to people who have a question, what I m?.

tuckered-continued

2009-01-05T05:02:00.000-08:00

Before beginning for next year, I mean twelfth standard. I should take you all readers to some more memory lanes. These are some events happened during eleventh standard itself.

Here I ‘m going to reveal some of the most adventurous, yet severe stuffs happened to me. In early days, we were more interested in life outside the class room. Staying back in school till recess was an utterly favor to the school authorities. We always seek ways to bunk classes. We were always armed with weapons, so that our attack to outside world in school hours cannot be deterred. We felt we have to save the student world from outer world. Our motto was to bunk as much as possible so that other students can study in class room. And still the proud culture of our seniors can exists with respect in this world. Our weapons were very simple always bag-pool stuff. Don’t bring much of stationeries and always keep an excuse ready if get caught. But we never used it the last weapon, as we never get caught.

We use to roam around the school itself and try to search some internet browsing center, or game parlor to spent rest of the four periods. This was amazing my unit included two more fellows, Leo and Mr.Cool. They always had this damn idea of not staying in the class room. And I was already impressed by the rebellion thought process they had. I felt doing greatest thing I the world, when I asked anybody to throw my bag outside, when I m on my expedition. Actually speaking we never had a clue that why we are doing so. But just do it. Always there were people who saw us with great amazement. It was some sort’s of criminal activity, but for us patriotism.

After a course of time we started enjoying ourselves so badly that it was a daily routine. Later this got stuck up gradually; people started getting attracted to each soldier of our legion. And bond started fading up, we found new people rather new partners. Also the projects changed and operations undertaken were also unrelated. This left me in dilemma, Mr.Cool was more with the respectful Indian, where as Leo roared among new set of friends. Those days accessing Leo was easy as he was in benevolent moods. I joined tuition of mathematics with him and shared all greatness he had from his father. When I found his father is a self employed man, my respect got 100 times multiplied. I always seek his father and wanted to share some thoughts.

Again confession time, I want to be a man, who owns his work. That period of time I aspired to make my own company and as Papa Leo was great persona. I heard so many things about him, that I made him my Idol. Man it was unreal, he was really gem of person, so kind and focused. Now was sold out to treat his son in the best way I can. Also I named my company SENSATION INDIA Pvt. Ltd. My company was a automobile designing studio and solution company. But dreams are dreams.

This was the era of my mental development from a son of a middle class man to a student of a great school. I started feeling what I have missed all these years by not studying. And I wanted to give it all.

I was just following the steps of Leo, and he was not happy with that.

I share one great experience with you. which played a strong role in identifying my problem of poor rationality of brain.

After my first unit test, I turned to his home and he was with this guy called IIT+IIM, they both were talking about math and I suddenly interrupted and told them my exam was bogus. They asked that its simple surds and indices man. I said I don’t understand this stuff at all. And I answered something in air. They both saw each other’s face and declared this man is insane. I felt really bad and they just mocked me. I know I m not as intelligent as you people are! it was my only answer to it.

It is not a great feeling when you are criticized, and some times its good for you.

Third January!

2009-01-03T21:00:00.000-08:00

Today is third January, and I was not happy see myself going office on Saturday. Last week only my Saturday were granted holydays. I woke up little late and found a big pile of clothes in the bathroom. It was a labor to wash them all. But tomorrow was Sunday so chance of washing them. I did them. I reached office 10:15a m. It was the ordinary day sort of feeling. As I booted my workstation, I found Mr.Cool were online.

My salutations went to him and a humble reply came, wassup? I said feeling blue man. He was surprised by the response. He reacted to it. He said “what’s the problem?”

I said life is not giving what I ask for. He laughed he said why to take life so seriously. There is ample of time for all the stuff, just do what comes immediate to you. And be jolly.

I told him it is about girl, he said doesn’t matter it is about what. He told act like a man to a issue rather than a teenager, you find great deal of difference.

His concept was more about generalizing the fact that no matter which girl she is, they all deserve the same. They all are respectful species and we should learn to respect their decision.

I told him she ditched me, he told you didn’t propose her, how can she ditch you. You lived in your brain and now she likes someone, you are pissed off.

I was shocked by that remark, I rebuked. And told him she is my only hope.

He told me man, she cannot be your only hope, and I’m just 23.

He said because all this whining nature of mine. I lost so many good people in my life time.

I need to be real to the people whether they like or not. I have search a person who‘s dear to me in any condition rather when I m doing well .

I was continuously arguing that she is not someone I can negotiate on. He answer was clear nobody is.

I told him how I made all those efforts for her. He answer was it was merely an artificial side of yours that you kept on changing. And hence artificiality does not yield results.

He told I m still a guy that any girl will need, just I need to get confident and keep on moving.

Sometime we waste lots of time on wrong turns, to decide whether to move or not. His explanations were somewhere making a bigger picture in my mind.

But I didn’t subdue to his thesis, I kept on bothering him with my arguments. he told me about his way of thinking and how our parents have little knowledge of matter. So there find a gap to communicate with us.

Our exposure is all together a different one. We shared few events from our life that how we prioritize people. And as the scenario changes, our priorities change. But we doesn’t give a damn to what is left behind in past. But this does not mean we should always look back check past and stay nostalgic. Our motto should always be to progress and move ahead. And when it comes to past, it should only be talked as to amuse ourselves.

We shared loads of stuff, about my captaincy of basketball team. That why we failed to win. And how badly, I was affected by my ego.

And so in the end I proved to be a not so good team player.

This was not I anticipated. Reds win only due to team work.

Also flaws in my mentality were cleared off. And I started taking women seriously.

It s really my one day journey to the hospital, and got cured well.

In the evening I was just checking my mails when I stumble upon a happy New Year greetings message.

I just buzzed the man and started my conversation with Mr.Brave. He is someone, who was my idol in ninth standard. He was strong and smooth in talking. Always find him with most impressive verses and style. Total idol material as dribble was killer beauty. I was so small that time ball was of almost size of my head. And dribbling it was impossible as palms were very small. But as every time he came and cheered me, somewhere gave me reason to practice. I practiced, I practiced hard. At the end of ninth standard itself, I was distinguished.

His ways are always amiable. Also as after so many days we were takings. The warmth was at peak.

We discussed the same stuff and told me, not worry because a real man never worries. I was glad he found a man in me. He treated me like a little brother and he was busy so he decided to make a call in night.

At night he called me up and shared some of his life experiences, which even the most beautiful girls are not good life partner. I need to identify the metal of my thoughts and needs. After this only I should surrender my life to somebody. It’s foolish to settle down with somebody, as this is the time your persona is shaping up. Now it really necessary I should date girls and understand them. But making a decision is nowhere a right deal.

I need to grow and be better and better.

I should get right kind support. A girl stands by me rather than criticize me. She should have faith in my doings. And should be proud , even though I’m committing a crime. This is what called a right life partner.

She should be ready to sacrifice anything for me. And all these stuffs are mutual.

This was kind of remembering my old self that how great I use to be. And I still hold loads of good stuff in me. I should be determined to do well.

It was an amazing day for my moral and psyche. Man I feel strength, back in my shoulders and passion in eyes.

I ‘m coming life ……….to chase down you.

http://in.youtube.com/watch?v=uPdHBSFYkbg

Mere sapno ki raani kab ayegi tu……………………………………….

Man:23

2009-01-03T03:00:00.000-08:00

Today, a 23 year old man with no vision for life.I loves somebody and she does not love me. Hope is heavy word to even spell. I guess now I can understand what Kurt Cobain had felt when he did the crime. Now I’m too wise to bemused and too fool to spoil my life. I’m in a state where adamancy is highest and learning is lowest. I feel, rather I believe that you live for goals and comfort. But they mutually exclusive, I don’t think so. I always had chats about life from my early high school days. My whole perception of life was when you are motivated; you have a vague feeling of attaining the target. I have always found myself as an underdog in all the assignment undertaken. And like fool Hare I waited the tortoise to pass through me and eventually reaching just in time. I guess those races were miser ones. And hence I always had time to reach the target. Another fact is my target. Sometimes I played intelligent or rather over smart by doing it in last nick of second. All those big dreams were actually very petty, if I compare to my latest assignments. I did my small level analysis and found that its comparison of stuff helps you in getting right quality spirit for competition. I never understood that whatever you do in life should be your urge. It should not be somebody’s suggestion, influence or force. I had years without vision, I had years without goal. My parents loved me and I was arrogant about it. If I see exactly what have happened. I would say I getting reborn, not by my mother but, by my own self. I ‘m the father and I’m the mother. And feeling is very bad; I’m pained, worried and disappointed. Just as some orthodox family got girl born. I find so many problems with my personality, my physical aspects and the mentality of course.

If I brought my older self with so called circumstances, I feel more disheartening. I had few plans for my future life. But as the course of time had so many twists and turns I became farther and farther from them. They even now have the same shine and luster but I out of energy now. The U turn is no option. I was really inches away from success. But I can’t say the same for my future. People say my life has not even started. Come to me I’ll let you know how old I have become deep under my skin. My fight is over even before starting. I was on prowl, when I started my journey and energy was consistence till this November, but now I m getting insane and directionless.

Evolution:Ploturian

2009-01-03T02:53:00.000-08:00

Hi, this is a body that’s writing first time in its life history, without consensus of the soul. Actually this is not a mourning letter or regretting speech. This body actually experienced lot of changes through the course of time. But soul inside never changed, that’s why whatever is going to be mentioned here will be totally factual rather than cursing somebody. So this is a disclaimer that this is not to hurt anybody or to change his/her opinion about things happened.

So I begin as a person, as a human being. As I grew up in this world, so called hell like, I found people desperate to achieve something. They daily come up to school with missions, motto and targets, which they do get at the end of the day, where as I was always motto less, this reference was about my school days. I always did what I liked, what I felt, what I actually felt I want! These things always hindered me from achieving anything. I never won anything, I never achieved anything. My parents never got a privilege of getting a successful son. A son on whom they can proud of. I never ran any race. All this somewhere was sitting inside me. I started searching reasons, false or true, to not been able to do. Mentality was building up and a personality was shaping up. God gave me talents and loads of them cannot explain you how many, but those talents were worthless as my school studies where I cannot do math properly. I was very bad in mugging up things, or me sitting and reading school book after school was a torture .thanks to my Mom she never forced me into. I guess she also didn’t had any clue what a school kid should do, sometimes she use to help me by doing my home work referring another s notebook. She loved me and she didn’t want me in any torment. Some teachers were impressed my different views and ways. But majority lied with good students. Definition was clear no marks, no respect.

I was happy and hardly bothered about future. The thoughts about getting marks and getting appreciated were too far for my brain. I lived a mysterious life of doing nothing. I never did any holyday home throughout my life. There was a vacuum in my thinking ability and Math was monster. What I dreamt was too stupid for students or fellows to understand to. I never shared it. I wanted to have loads of pets, wanted to keep them with me. Always dreamt of their growing families and wanted to join Menaka Gandhi and save all the animals those gets ill treated by humans. I have developed a kind heart and soft personality. I found myself many times not able to hit anybody, thinking he may get hurt.

My way of passing time was to see Television as much possible. I explored my ability to see and remember, to see action and understand. I never knew this will come handy in solving one of the biggest problems I faced in my life, not been able to read. I started remembering all that a teacher said in class with diagrams and sketches. Later on I discovered my writing skills, reality says I m a confused writer and I go much irrelevant than topic needs. It helped me in writing long answers that I cannot even think of and started getting passing marks.

I always had information given by the teacher or anybody who speaks or discusses, there was a problem

I cannot think beyond what’s been told by them. So solving a problem or a math sums was still impossible for me.

Later few of TV channels helped me in creating an interest in History and science, and they both were like theories, write the answer as been said.

All these events proved me very bad student in learning anything in my life. I got loads of talent default in my character that I never rehearsed. Whenever I wanted to do those stuffs I did and later I found that sometimes I’m the only one the class with that ability.

I cannot ignore the odd attraction I got due to the talents. But as there was no one else with them so no training or nurturing them. Sometimes it was an ugly ducklings story.

So till my fifth standard I was pathetic and passed only minimum marks.

Then something happened which I never thought of, my brain actually started responding as I joined a new tuition. They elderly people and their focus were to judge what teacher will teach today, and give me an introduction in morning itself. In evening they use to ask me to what I got as homework and they helped me out in doing so.

This schedule actually forcefully pushed me to cover some ground in studies, apart from math I excelled in all other subjects and ended up in 11 and 13 in the rank tally.

This opened me new way of thinking, I started listening what people say, and I started approaching people first time without any doubts in heart. I was getting confident and only motto of my life was how many corrects I can do. I was least bothered about result, only after coming from school I should be able to say my mom and tutor that I did amazingly well today morning.

I used to wake up early 2:30 am for studies; my parents first time bought one gas-lamp because of power cuts in morning. And I moved quite steadily for two years.

Teachers started recognizing me; I had first time so called friends who bothered about me, named as Chirag kansal and Sunny Nirwan. With sunny I never acted well, always teased him as he was little dumb character, still he stayed with me as a friend.

Now I was such a good in studies that I knew what teacher can expect from us and first time I started recognizing exam papers question familiar one and can be answered as well.

If we talk about sports I was too small and fragile to play any sport. I was too weak to kick a football and to run as fast as others can. We used to play football with stones and never had clue where stone is. Whenever I played I remember either I was hurt badly in my legs by other’s shoes or got my shoe wide open at front.

So sports were also out of scope as nobody gives a chance to fragile and small, literary sportily invisible.

Life was amazingly limited and focused. For me three things were in there in the world Madame David’s class, my Television and my tuition.

One of the incidents, I remember is, we got a project in classroom. The project was really simple one, A First Aid Box. But as students we very excited there were some numbers attached to it, which were going to be added to report card. We all gathered best of the medicines some people had parents as doctors so they help them out .Some kids had elder brother or sister who knew what to be delivered. All this actually turned up into a raw fight of streets. People with good amount strength (interested parents and lots of money) started bringing very expensive and more than required stuffs. This was the first time in my life I understood that I hail from a lower middle class. Instead getting a good and strong box, I got a n old shoe box, that was used by my father. So my mother asked me to return it after the project is done. Instead of putting a paper brought from shops (stationers) I covered the box with opposite side of the old calendar paper. Good thing about that paper was its gloss. I used old sketch pen by putting water from the back side, drop by drop to keep them working. Also I had very few amount of medicines in the house as nobody was severely (which was the good part).This created another situation as I got whole 10 rupees to get all the medicines in need. It looked great to me because I rarely had 10 rupees by that age. But when I reached the Medical Shop I found too less to fulfill my aspirations. I had no other option but to go with key Medicine for general use. It was difficult to see myself standing with such an ordinary stuff, in front of whole class. I came to home and asked my mother to help me collecting little more stuff. She said that best thing possible is ask the required from the neighbor aunty and return it after the project completion. Also with a set of warnings about keeping their stuff well and do not let father know about all this borrowing stuff. I didn’t have lots of stuff and didn’t have any ideas too. When I reached school it was warm day. There was dust in air and air was blowing hard. As I was in second shift we have to wait for a long hour to get into our class rooms. That period we use to spend in an area back side of our building called “Paahaarh”, translation results in mountain. But it was a kind of open theatre area which was keep rising after each step and was quite high for us, small kids. Its height was twelve feet plus and had small hole in the ending wall. It was an ideal place to sit and talk as the tall wall stopped the heavy wind. We all can sit on green grass and talk. Some kids play football with stone on stage which was covered with asbestos on top. It was one mine favorite place.

So after reaching our social point I found all the gals with their heavy boxes with big Polythene bags. It was surprise as well as disappointment. My box was so small that it came all together in my 2 year old bag. They all were talking about F.A.B and how many medicines they got. Some bought dressing wools (big one), wound bandages and muscle bandages. I tried to avoid their eyes went straight to the stage. Though I never played football there, because of the shoes, I had no choice. In starting I did some kicking but I was surely not enjoying it. So I stood alone. I wanted the time to pass as soon as possible. And it was going in slow motion. After half an hour everybody started rushing towards the gate. We usually made quos to enter the school at the same time first shift people use to come out of school. This always created a messy situation and as I was so absent minded, due to the whole situation. I forgot that my F.A.B was in bag. As we made the queue, as always, some people started pushing from back side. It actually turned into a heavy force from behind. People in starting row also pushing back according to the force applied from back. I was a fragile kid, small and weak. I was moving to and fro in accordance to queue. My brain suddenly responded, the thought came to my brain. The F.A.B was inside, my efforts and my hope of yesterdays night. I tried my level best to get out of that queue. I struggled for at least two minute and after then I was out with strong force. This momentum was so strong that I couldn’t control myself and here I go. I was on the ground. With soaring hands and dirty clothes, I rose and walked a little, till I was out that crowd. I opened my bag I saw my F.A.B was totally squished inside the bag. The dettol bottle got broken from the neck and all things were messed. I had tears in my eyes and I wanted to run away from school. I didn’t know where to go. I bunked the zero period. I wanted to bunk more but one peon found me sitting all alone and he made a move, I understood what he was up to. Either he was going to call P.T.I or worst case Principal. I left that place immediately and moved inside the building. My classroom was first class from the door I entered and I found my teacher straightly heading towards me. I she said your name is “loveleen”? .I nodded, she no worry as I knew she is asking for attendance. But I had no place to go, I entered the classroom. I took my chair and I was nowhere till the interval. In last period we had to submit our projects. In interval I ate my lunch, which more likes eating dettol as box smelled very badly of it. That time sunny came and asked what the problem is. I had no clue what to say. I shown him the F.A.B, and asked him what should I do. He advised to request madam to relieve me for a day and submit it tomorrow.

I knew worst is yet to come, all the period I was little relaxed as sunny told me lot of people are absent today and many of them have not brought their stuff. At least I have something to show. I was happy by the idea as if majority has not brought their stuff, I may get a bail out.

The final period came madam entered with her angry face. She started shouting in no time as she entered. Her agenda was why so many people are absent on project day. All the perfect tens (toppers) were present with their stuffs ready and as madam saw face of topper ready with red colored plastics box with red cross embarked on it. She offered a pleasant smile to those fellows. She said as there is lot of work with her, she has devoted just a day for this proceeding. And so she not is going to back off.

She said she will all today and people who will show tomorrow gets marks out of three fourth of the marks. They will lose their one quarter of marks. This was a nuclear bomb on my head, I was suddenly Japanese and she was an American pilot. My heart was in throat and beating heavier and heavier. But truth was I was not worst hit. People, who were present without projects, were all gone in coma. I decided to make a move. Sunny is roll number was very farther to me. I asked him to help me. He was a dumb character and he didn’t respond in which I anticipated. At end I begged him to help me with this. He was confused as well as sacred by the whole situation. If he is caught he will hanged for giving water to prisoner.

Tuckered!!

2009-01-01T00:45:00.000-08:00

Today , i m addressing to all those people who know me and want to share some

parts of life.

I m a person we with very ordinary talents and some more freakish attitude than n anybody can even imagine.

I do sketching and love music.My characteristics are these days more near to a crazy person. As i m moony, stubborn and kind of loner.These all kind of traits have brought me only disappointment andagony. I have turned into a nostalgic.

But let tell you something all my incapability's, sometime ago were my capability.

I was known for my never say die attitude and resilience. I never lost any thing till i found her.

That was my eleventh standard and i was well popular due my basket ball and one girl. Truly speaking i tried all my efforts to become popular through that girl. As she was a great drama.

I don't wanna name her as loads of people know her. She was somebody you always find in lime light for doing nothing.

I aspired to be popular guy as she was, i was new to school and not many people knew me. so played little game , and showed my inclination towards her. That actually was hitting bulls eye.

There were n number of people who concern about me , suddenly. There were people who always included me in their talks.In one night i was a popular stuff.

So we again come back to eleventh standard, i was there and totally ignored what is going to happen. First day as i was a small, thin and energetic guy. I was always kiddish and something always brewing in my mind. And First day and Zero period i was playing with a paper plane. I was throwing to the fan and fan was throwing it with lot power. This game was really interesting to me for a period of time and then ....

It landed on somebodies desk, she lifted her face and gave an unemotional look and threw that plane after crushing it properly.While i just hid myself under the table and from the sneak i saw her.I was shocked i felt smitten first time in life so badly. Her face made me reach to seven sky and a feeling you get after you have attended a big jam night. i was breathless, vision less and told to myself "what a Girl!".

That was the moment will never forget in life. I lifted that crushed paper and tried to see her face again. She was sitting in last row from the door, engrossed in doing her mathematics. I know this as i knew lot of people go to ma thematic tuition in morning just before school.

Actually it was more like a trend. They followed as i told i never had a damn clue why the heck they all were doing so. This was my first sighting of her and a bad one too. Whole of the day i tried to say sorry.But forget it, I really didn't know how to speak to beautiful stranger. This left me feel some uneasiness in heart. I wanted to speak to her all this but cannot 'cause i myself was new to it.

So declared may be i have a gases issues.

English was something i have studied very thoroughly for two years. I had all sorts of slogging in this session, i did all that i never even imagined i, i will do in my. Making notes, writ ting as fast

as journalist writes(with out kknowing any knowledge about short hands). Ended up in making my own sign language. After reaching home translate to a proper text format. Come' on man what a heck this is! was a daily line for me before starting . I knew some people don't gave a damn to that still our English teacher made them do it, compulsorily.

Here comes another confession, i was facing serious problems that to get distinguished. The people who actually came to my class room, were not known to me and rest were all strangers.

So again i reached at the same position as i was two years ago.

I needed to make a mark and people had their marks as they were all studying with teachers since child hood.

This is life, this time no one was there to rescue me and i started taking English quite seriously and left no space where my English teacher can question me. She had an aura, and i badly, wanted her get impressed by me. There were people who showed path to me. As one girl was there , whose presentation was unbeaten. She actually forced me indirectly, to at least try a bit.

These all activities were bringing a new change in me. I started learning and getting marks but only in English. As i was pathetic in my rest of the ventures. Chemistry was an enigma to me since child hood and i cannot sit and mug all the equations.

I knew, i m missing a huge drawback of my brain. I was totally unable to processes any mathematical calculation. This is a fact , whenever the question comes i used to think what to do with notations. I mean what operation and what output should come out, were all alien to my brain.

So , coming back to the English as i had a dragging force for it. I asked once Her(her highness) English Copy for completing some left overs. I got it after a little hesitation.I got it and i was not feeling anything special about it. That day itself she knocked my house in night. I was shocked and confused i had no clue how to treat her.

She said clearly she wanted her copy back that's all. I was bouncing with each of my heart beat as it was a miracle to me. But nothing great happened man, i did what i suppose to do, return the copy and bye bye.

Next Morning i just settled in the morning assembly, some people came to me asked what happen to you in night. i said" what??", confused what i had done , i asked few more people what they know. Then thing turned up to me that i was acting weirdo to her when she came to house.

I was really popular because of her, but this popularity was of degrading nature. I thought man what to say then I spoke one of my friend about my feelings for her. that was blow. He didn't accepted it at all. Then in interval while leaving for outside, she said sorry to me and said she discussed me and my behaviour to her mother and she has asked her to say sorry to me.

Instant Reputation was gained by her, a girl who talks to her mother. That too about a boy. Come on she hails from one of the best families i have ever come across.

I don't know this made me feel greatly attracted to her(her highness). Now the scene was getting clear and feeling was getting intense. I wanted to meet her mother. I really owe her(mother),as her daughter was with me in the classroom.

My half yearly ended and they were disasters, i failed in two subjects chemistry and maths.

but i was not the one, only who tottered, i was accompanied with a big group of people.

But she was in elite group of achievers, that was first time i felt or rather infer ed that if want her attraction indeed,have to do some thing better, at least in studies. First thing i did was but obvious joined a tuition , which was more like was to be with her all day long , as she will be in front my eyes.

That tuition was something horrible for me. I found people come there after mugging up the solution of the questions and just they impress people by their intelligence. Nobody actually studied there , that what i felt. i was no where, Teacher does not even knew my name all the way till it left him(after my 12th exams).

It was easy to do anything in such big group , me and my friends actually got little closer , especially three people. one was great Leo, Mr.Cool and another was a respectful Indian.

Three of them started influencing me , i was more into what ever they do. Being with each other was only favor to ourselves. i was addicted to their company. they all were great and had loads of talents. Man i never had such kind of friends whole my life.

They were family , we were happy.

I joined them in all the tuition they go. i started more what they like. i own identity was lost totally in theirs. That was me evolving , a more under confident, help seeking and less effort making guy.

Slogging for something was totally disrespectful. Parent were big talkers nothing more than that.

And I had an inferiority complex, To keep myself up. i needed companies of great people. and i lost it.

But that was period of renaissance, i become key player in my basket ball team. I started getting marks in maths exams, as in Half yearly ,i was at 11 , it multiplied to 8 and answer was 88 in finals. i always had great feeling when saw her face in the morning in tuition and till1:30 she was before eyes. She started inspiring me i felt lovely with writ ting proses , and thinking about life in dramatically way.

I started feeling movies , and scenes. i got attached to people so badly , that even single ignorance was unacceptable.

It all started developing so bad, that started reading novels , first time in my life. Things started getting excited when she was near to me, i felt intoxicated. Every scene in a every film , every drama or every novel i see her and only her.

i was not sleep in nights. Also I always feared that if she came to know then what will happen.

In between one guy was there who actually use to share a good space with her, from starting of the in tuition till she reaches school(it was walkable). all this was somewhere inciting me in heart.

Also every time anybody discussed about him , it was freakish and nobody spoke anything positive about him. I knew what to do. i really never had anything with him. But one fine morning he did it, he spoke what i i was waiting for. According to him i was more like street lover and throwing my heart to every girl i find.

He said he knows my past. It was all wrong and very wrong. I cannot hold it , there went a punch and he was bleeding with twisted glasses, my friend(he is in army now) came stopped me from going any further. Also abused me, for doing such a shit act.

I flt nobody was at my side. they were concerned about him. That was a time i felt these all are not my friends actually. they all share a bond and i don't share that.

I didn't talked to many of them for a week or two. And then things went smooth again.

One thing was clear to them that i was a freak .

by this time , i entered in twelfth standard.